I've a Feeling We're Not in Cardiff Anymore PART 2/2

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POSTED IN TWO PARTS 'CAUSE LJ HATES ME TODAY

TITLE:  I've a Feeling We're Not in Cardiff Anymore
 Author: Aviv_b
RATING:  PG
CHARACTERS:  Ianto, Jack, Gwen, Tosh Owen and other canon characters
WARNING: Slight character bashing - no character escapes unscathed.
DISCLAIMER:  Not mine; Aunty B's and RTD's
WORDS: ~ 3105
SUMMARY:  No one notices how tired Ianto is until he has a serious accident. 

Written for redisourcolor Challenge 18 - Theme: Medicine.  Words: tighwad, creamy, babbling and the sentence: "Well then, how about you try it, and see how it goes?"

Part one here: http://aviv-b.livejournal.com/108287.html

 

***

 

Suddenly Ianto looked up and there it was, the Emerald City. “That’s odd,” he thought. “One minute we were surrounded by goblins and now we’re already at the Emerald City.”

 

In a blink of an eye they were being ushered into the sacred chamber of the Wizard of Ooze.

 

“Well, well, well. What have we here?” The Wizard said as he sat casually on his throne. So casually that he had one booted foot slung over the arm of the chair.

 

“You’ve got to be kidding,” Ianto blurted out.

 

“Listen, Eye-Candy. I’m the best thing around here, so no smart remarks.”

 

“I’m screwed,” thought Ianto.

 

“Not yet, but I hope to rectify that shortly,” Wizard John said giving Ianto a predatory leer.

 

“But can you help us?” Gwen broke in impatiently.

 

Wizard John sighed. “Let me see, your problem is you always interrupt and never listen, right.”

 

“Well I wouldn’t put it that way…”

 

“Well I would, and who is the Wizard around here. You or me? See your problem isn’t that you have too much heart, it’s that you don’t listen, you’re nosy, and you don’t learn from your mistakes.”

 

Gwen pouted. “Fine, whatever. Can you help me?”

 

“Of course.” Wizard John reached into his bag and pulled out a plastic nose. “I’m going to put this fake nose one you. Not an ordinary nose, but one that will grow every time you stick it in somewhere it doesn’t belong. You’d best be careful or you’ll find yourself with a ten pound schnoz and then you’ll be sorry.’

 

He slipped the fake nose over Gwen’s real one and tightened the string holding it in place.

 

“I don’t like this; it smells bad and… what the hell!” Gwen cried in fright.

 

“See, whining makes it grow as well. Be gone and MYOB.”  Gwen ran crying from the chamber.

 

“You. Step forward,” the Wizard ordered Jack. “You think you’re too heroic do you?”  Jack nodded.

 

“Well you’re not. You’re careless and self-centered and you forget that other people aren’t as indestructible as you. I’m going to make sure you stop getting everyone around you killed.” 

 

Wizard John took a syringe and injected a creamy pink fluid into Jack’s arm. “Every time you do something careless or put your team in unnecessary danger, the nanogenes you’ve been injected with will activate. You’ll be unable to get an erection for a week.”

 

The Wizard smiled with satisfaction at the horrified look on Jack’s face. “That’s right, you take care of your team, and they’ll take care of you. You don’t, they won’t.  Now get out of my sight before I shag you senseless.”

 

Jack left the Wizard’s presence with his head hanging in shame and disappointment.

 

“Now you little missy,” he said winking at Tosh. “You’re smart and sexy which is a great combination, but no one wants to hear quadratic equations in bed. No one. I’m just going to have to teach you the skills of seduction and reward you appropriately for getting it right.”

 

Tosh blushed. “I’ve always been a straight A student.”

 

“Well I look forward to administering your oral as well as your final exam. And don’t you dare bring your calculator for the test.”

 

Tosh practically skipped out the door.

 

“And now for you, Eye-Candy.”

 

Ianto looked at Wizard John sadly. “I don’t think you have any tricks to get me home, do you?”

 

John shook his head. “I’m afraid I don’t. I’d give you a consolation shag, but I think that Tosh is going to keep me very busy for a while. I never pass a student until they can perform to perfection.”

 

Ianto turned and began to walk away.

 

“Wait!” John yelled.  “Your problem is that you are always such a pessimist. I don’t have any tricks for you, but you have the power right there on your feet to get home all on your own.”

 

Ianto looked down and realized that he was still wearing the bunny slippers. “Oh, you’ve got to be…”

 

“Do you want to get home or not?” The Wizard moved close to Ianto. “Close your eyes, Eye-Candy, click your bunny heels together three times, wriggle your nose and say ‘Off to Cardiff now I go, not to Newport, not to Splott. Click my heels, eat a carrot, don’t turn me into a ferret.”

 

Ianto opened his eyes in disbelief.

 

"Well then, how about you try it, and see how it goes?"

 

Ianto realized that he had nothing to lose. He clicked his bunny slippers, wriggled his nose and repeated the words. Everything went dark.

 

***

Ianto opened his eyes. He was lying down and familiar faces were looking at him. “You gave us quite a scare,” Jack said stroking Ianto’s head. “And I had to sleep by myself last night. It was horrible.”

 

“Sweetheart, don’t you ever do that again to us. I couldn’t even get home to see Rhys last night.”

 

“You’ve been babbling on about goblins and wizards for almost twenty hours,” Tosh told him. “And a dog, something about a dog. I could hardly concentrate on my work.”

 

“Oi, this wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t feel the need to play martyr all the time,” Owen scolded. “I had a hot date last night and Jack made me cancel just because you had a concussion.”

 

Ianto blinked and tried to focus. Was it all a dream? “I fell through the rift to the Land of Ooze. And you were there, and you and you too!” he said pointing to Jack and Gwen and Tosh.

 

“And you were dead,” he said turning his head toward Owen.

 

“Well I’m not. You have a concussion, so you’re grounded until further notice. Though I will allow you to get up tomorrow to make us coffee.”

 

“Kind of makes me wish I was back in Ooze. You being dead made everything else almost bearable.”

 

“Very funny, Tea-Boy. My work is done here. I’m knackered,” Owen told the others. ‘Don’t call me unless the world is ending. In fact, don’t call me even then,” he added as he left the medical bay.

 

Jack Gwen and Tosh stayed huddled around Ianto’s cot.

 

“So you went to the land of Ooze, did you?” Jack teased gently.

 

“It seemed so real. I met you all and we went and saw the Wizard and…”

 

“Were there flying monkeys?”

 

“Don’t be ridiculous it was the Land of Ooze not Oz,” Ianto retorted with irritation.

 

Jack looked disappointed by this revelation. “I’ve always wanted to see some flying monkeys. There is a planet that has flying poodles but they aren’t as clever…”

 

“The Wizard,” Ianto shouted. “You’ll never guess who the Wizard was. It was John Hart.”

 

“You’ve got to be kidding,” Gwen said with disgust.

 

“No really. And he solved all of your problems and he told me how to get home.”

 

“Problems? Ianto what are you talking about,” Tosh asked.

 

Ianto didn’t know what to tell them. He didn’t want to hurt their feelings and if he was dreaming what would they think if he enumerated their faults. Wisely, he changed the topic a bit.

 

“The best part is I was wearing my pyjamas and I had bunny slippers and the bunny slippers brought me home.”

 

“He’s obviously still delusional,” Gwen whispered to Jack. “You better keep a close eye on him.”  Jack nodded soberly in response.

 

“But there were bunny slippers, I swear it.” Ianto felt a rising panic as they all seemed to think he was making the story up.

 

“Ianto, you’re not wearing slippers, you fell wearing your work clothes.” Tosh lifted up the bottom of his sheets and gasped. “Uh, guys come and look at this.” They peaked under the sheet to see that Ianto was wearing striped pyjamas and pink bunny slippers.

 

“Very funny,” Jack said. “Ok, who put them on him?” 

 

Tosh and Gwen denied knowing about the slippers. The pyjamas were Ianto’s; Jack had gone over to his flat and brought them back to the Hub. Needless to say, Owen was livid when Jack called to ask about bunny slippers.

 

“Oi, what did I say about the world ending. Yeah, I saw the slippers; I assumed they were yours, Harkness.”

 

“I do not wear pink bunny slippers. Now I will admit that occasionally Ianto and I dress up…”

 

“Don’t want to know, really I don’t,” Owen said hanging up on Jack.

 

Jack sighed. There was probably a logical explanation; he just couldn’t fathom what it was.  “Ok kids, you go home, I’ll stay here with Ianto.  I will have to call you if we get any more aliens tonight, but let’s hope that Tosh’s rift prediction is correct and we’ll have a little peace and quiet for the next few days.

 

As Tosh and Gwen walked up the steps from the medical bay, they practically tripped over a small gray terrier that raced down the stairs.

 

“You’re alive!” Ianto cried with joy. “I was so afraid the goblins would hurt you.” The dog barked and wagged his tail. 

 

Jack picked the dog up. “Is this your dog, Ianto?”

 

“Don’t be silly. This is the dog I saw outside my flat before the rift carried me off to Ooze.” Ianto reached up and took the dog from Jack’s arms.

 

Jack, Gwen and Tosh looked at each other. Something very strange was going on.

 

“Take care sweetheart,” Gwen called down to Ianto as she and Tosh headed up the remaining steps from the medical bay.

 

Tosh turned back and looked at Ianto. “Did you say John Hart was there? You know I dozed off earlier and dreamt that, well, I’m embarrassed to tell you,” she said blushing.

 

“I bet you passed your exams with flying colors,” Ianto told her. Tosh felt a little faint.

 

Gwen’s mouth fell open. She had dreamt about John Hart as well but she’d be damned if she was going to tell anyone about it.

 

“Gwen, how’s your nose feeling?”  Ianto smirked as he looked up at her. Gwen reached up and touched her nose in horror.

 

“No, it was a dream. It had to be.” She felt a cold shiver run down her spine. She grabbed her purse and quickly headed for the tourist office entrance. Tosh was right behind her.

 

Jack was still staring at Ianto half in wonder, half in terror. “I hate to say it, but I had a dream about John Hart as well. It was horrible.”

 

“Come here,” Ianto ordered as he put the dog on the floor. Jack moved over to Ianto who pulled him in close for a kiss. To Jack’s surprise, Ianto brushed his hand lightly against Jack’s groin. 

 

Ianto glanced at Jack’s 'reaction' and smiled. “Just a dream, obviously. Nothing to worry about.” Jack smiled and sat with Ianto until he drifted back to sleep.

 

Jack smiled in relief. He knew that in the future certain humanoid species were able to have what were known as synchronized dreams. They used it as a way of solving difficult problems or sorting out disputes that couldn’t be resolved while everyone’s defenses were active.

 

“Yeah, just a dream, thank the goddess,” he thought as he trotted up the stairs to go to his office. As he sat at his desk, he reached over to grab a pen and noticed a small hole in his arm. A few drops of thick pink liquid were leaking from it.

 

Jack’s head began to spin. “No!” he thought as he tried to stand up.

 

Everything went dark.