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aviv_b_artwork) wrote2010-11-24 03:33 pm
A Pterrible Pteranodon Pthanksgiving
AUTHOR: Aviv_b
RATING: PG - a few mild sexual references
CHARACTERS: Ianto, Jack, Owen, Tosh, Gwen, Rhys, Myfanwy
DISCLAIMER: Not mine; Aunty B's and RTD's
WORDS: ~ 3170
SUMMARY: This year its Ianto's turn to make the Thanksgiving dinner. Do things ever go as planned?
A/N: This story references last years Thanksgiving crackfic (a Thankgiving To Remember) found here: http://aviv-b.livejournal.com/15835.html
A/N2 - This is totally dinorampage 's fault. After reading my schmoop bingo Myfanwy fic Secret Agent Extraordinaire, http://aviv-b.livejournal.com/73696.html she said, " Would love to see what would happen if Jack and Ianto were to take their movie watching to a different genre." Good question, here's my answer.
My most favorite Thanksgiving video is at the end of the story. If you are not familiar with American sit-com television, some (or all) of this may not make much sense. References to I Love Lucy, Cheers, WKRP in Cincinnati and the Honeymooners included at no extra charge.
"Squawk, Squawk," (Lucy, I'm home!) Myfanwy circled the Hub as she announced her return after a night of hunting.
Ianto was in early; after the disastrous Thanksgiving dinner at Gwen and Rhys’ house the previous year, he had prepared a sumptuous feast for the team at home and transported it to the Hub for dinner that evening.
"Myfanwy," Ianto called as he looked up at her, “I have a special treat for you.”
At the sound of the word ‘treat’ Myfanwy completed one more lap around the Hub and landed in the open space near Ianto’s work station.
“In America, today is Thanksgiving. Now I know you don’t know what that is…”
“Squawk, Squawk, Squawk.” (Do too, you dress up like Pilgrims and have a food fight).
Ianto went on to patiently explain the tradition to Myfanwy who had the good manners to pretend to be interested. In reality, if she had been able to, she would have rolled her eyes. Instead she let out a low gurgle.
“Grrrrrrllllppp.” (Give it a rest, will ya, and get to the part about the chocolate pumpkin pie).
“…So in honor of the occasion, I’ve got a nice raw turkey for you. So while we’re having our dinner tonight, you’ll be able to celebrate with us. And Owen’s bringing a chocolate pumpkin pie, so I’ll be sure to save you a piece.”
“Squawk.” (Pie!).
Ianto fed her some chocolate and she preened her feathers a bit in the hopes that more chocolate would be forthcoming.
“Ok, the others will be in soon – now back to your nest,” Ianto said giving her the signal to fly.
Myfanwy circled the Hub a few more times before settling into her aerie.
The rest of the team entered the Hub not long after and they spent a quiet day, a bit boring really, filling out reports, reviewing police reports and bickering.
By late afternoon, all anyone could think of was the upcoming Thanksgiving dinner. Ianto was warming up the turkey in the oven and he would reheat the stuffing and other side dishes a little closer to dinner time. The delicious smells from their kitchen were making everyone hungry.
“Gwen, stop asking me when we’re going to eat,” Ianto chided gently. “You shouldn’t have skipped lunch. No you may not have a little taste of the green bean casserole with the canned onions on top. We’re waiting for Jack to get back from London and that’s final. Now stop pestering me. I have work to do.”
“Squawk.” (To the moon, Alice).
Gwen sighed at her desk. If she looked at one more police report she thought she might scream. She glanced over and saw Tosh busily working on her computer. And it was still a couple of hours until dinner.
“Oi, Gwen, I want to move some stuff around, could you come down here and give me a hand,” Owen shouted up from the medical bay.
Gwen couldn’t understand why Owen had decided that he wanted to rearrange some of his equipment so late in the day. Owen didn’t really know either, it had been a long tedious day, even surfing several porn sites did nothing to make the time pass more quickly. “What time is it?” he asked.
“4 PM,” Gwen said glumly. “I’ll probably starve to death by the time we have dinner.”
“Yeah, well after last year…”
“Don’t you start Owen, don’t you dare start.”
“Yeah, well with Ianto doing the cooking, at least I won’t get food poisoning this year.”
Gwen was still a bit sensitive about last year’s Thanksgiving disaster and Owen, being the prat he was, just wouldn’t leave it alone.
“Yeah, and we won’t have to put up with you mooning after Jack all night,” he added for good measure.
“That’s not fair,” she thought. “Rhys and I weren’t married yet and I didn’t know that Jack and Ianto were a couple.”
She felt tears welling up in her eyes. She had worked so hard the last year to be a better team member. She had stopped being a know-it-all, listened to Jack’s instructions, she knew she was contributing to the success of the team, but leave it to Owen to remind her of her rough first year with Torchwood.
“You bastard. You’re a complete bastard,” she yelled at Owen as she burst into tears and ran up the medical bay steps.
In her nest, Myfanwy squawked several times. (One of these days... One of these days... POW! Right in the kisser Owen).
Tosh looked up from her computer as Gwen ran by crying. “Now what,” she thought.
“Owen,” she shouted down to him, “would you stop whatever you’re doing to Gwen. Jack’s going to be back within the hour, Rhys is coming over in a bit and it wouldn’t do to have the two of them see Gwen crying her head off.”
She really had little tolerance for the bickering between the two, and she knew how upset Ianto would be if his Thanksgiving dinner for the team was spoiled.
Down in the medical bay Owen smiled. He hated all this team bonding crap and if he could get everyone on edge, the dinner just might be fun.
***
Rhys arrived around 5:30 PM and Tosh and Ianto began to set up the conference room for dinner. Rhys and Gwen opened some wine and she whispered to him what had happened with Owen. “Let him try something with me here, he’ll be sorry,” Rhys growled.
Jack arrived not long after. “So kids, did you miss me?” he asked as he shook Rhys’ hand and kissed Gwen on the cheek. “Where’s everyone else?” Rhys pointed up to the conference room.
Jack jogged up the stairs to see Tosh and Ianto. Tosh also got a kiss on the cheek while Ianto got a much longer snog. “Hey, no starting the celebration early,” Tosh teased.
“Right you are…where’s Owen?”
“Down feeding the weevils,” Ianto replied.
“What?…”
“He’s been a total prick the whole day, Jack,” Ianto told him.
“It’s true, he made Gwen cry earlier. He asked her to help him move some equipment and then I don’t know what transpired, but she came up from the medical bay, terribly upset,” Tosh added.
“And that is why he is feeding the weevils. Since I’m in charge when you’re gone, I reckoned it was appropriate for someone who has done no work today, watched porn on his computer and made a co-worker cry to have the job.”
Jack didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to make a bigger fuss about it since Ianto seemed to have handled the situation perfectly, but he thought he might have a little chat with Owen at a later time.
“Let’s just keep an eye on him tonight; something’s eating at him, which can only mean trouble.” Jack nodded.
Once Owen came up from the cells, Jack gathered the group together, made sure everyone had some wine and proposed a toast.
“I think I can speak for us all; I’m thankful that we’ve all survived another year at Torchwood. We can be proud that we are doing out part to protect the citizens of Cardiff and making sure that the world is ready when it all changes.”
“Hear, hear!” everyone reponded.
As they carried food up to the conference room, Myfanwy cried from her nest.
“I almost forgot. You go on ahead,” Ianto told the others, “I have a treat for Myfanwy.”
Ianto went over to the refrigerator and took out the whole uncooked turkey (entrails and all).
As the rest of the team watched from the conference room windows he called her down for her treat. She circled the Hub swooping low as she neared Ianto. Ianto tossed the turkey to her which she easily caught in her beak. She circled back up to her aerie to enjoy her dinner in peace.
“I probably shouldn’t ask,” Owen snarked, “but you did keep track of which turkey still had its entrails inside?” Gwen actually gasped. Tosh sat frozen. Jack’s eyes had narrowed and Rhys looked like he was going to explode. Ianto could see that things could rapidly get out of hand.
“In the spirit of Thanksgiving, Owen, I’m going to ask you very nicely to try to behave like an adult.”
“Yeah, yeah, Tea Boy, whatever you say.”
They ate mostly in silence. Owen had really succeeded in putting a damper on the whole celebration. Ianto was livid. He had spent most of the week cooking and he might as well not even bothered.
“Owen, would you pass the potatoes?” he asked glumly.
Owen smiled as he lifted the large serving spoon filled with mashed potatoes. “Sure, have some potatoes,” he snarked hurling the contents at Ianto.
Ianto looked down in horror as the mashed potatoes slid down his suit. Rhys saw that Ianto’s hands were trembling a bit. “That’s it,” Rhys bellowed, grabbing Owen by the shirt collar. “You will not insult my wife or Ianto or anyone else at this table, got it?”
“Yeah and who made you boss here?”
“I did,” he said dumping the green bean casserole over Owen’s head. That was more than Tosh could stand. Owen was a wanker, sure, but that was just too much. She starting shouting at Rhys, Gwen started shouting at her, while Ianto focused on wiping the potato off his suit. Jack sat stupified.
“ENOUGH!” Everyone stopped and looked at Jack. “This is supposed to be a celebration of family and friends. Now I don’t know what your problem is Owen, but if you don’t apologize to everyone immediately, you’re going home.”
“Fine, I will,” he said sulkily. As he left the Hub, he thought, ‘thank goodness, that wasn’t so hard.’ He couldn’t wait to start a night of drinking and debauchery. Much more fun than making small talk with his oh-so boring co-workers. And he’d left a little surprise for them so he’d have the last laugh on them anyway.
Once Owen was gone, everyone relaxed. Jack just shook his head. A year ago, Gwen and Ianto were at odds and Rhys didn’t trust him. Now Gwen and Rhys were married and seeing Rhys standing up for Ianto had really been a nice surprise.
They finished the meal with a traditional pumpkin pie and some brandy. Ianto had taken off his suit jacket and was just a bit tipsy. He started talking about his favorite topic, Myfanwy.
“Yeah, its funny, but I’ve noticed that since Jack and I switched from watching action films to old sitcoms and comedy movies at night when we’re on call at the Hub she seems a lot calmer. I think she really does understand them.”
“I don’t know if I’d go that far,” Jack chimed in, “but she probably senses the tension in the action movies and the relaxed sensations from the comedy.”
“Come on, a few days after we watched Christmas Vacation, she started turning off the lights every time we turned them on. She even found a switch where we couldn’t see her, so it was just like the movie. You can’t think that happened by chance.”
Jack started to speak but was interrupted by Rhys. “Humor is very complicated isn't it? I can believe she’d imitate something she saw, but do you think she was actually aware that she was playing a joke on you both?”
“Yes, of course.” “No of course not.” Ianto and Jack looked at each other and laughed. They continued to debate the possible intelligence of the Hub pet as they ate more pie and drank more brandy.
Finally Tosh noticed the time. “It’s eleven! Where did the evening go?” Everyone groaned and got up from the table. They brought the leftovers to the kitchen and put them in the refrigerator.
“Hell, I forgot to serve the pie that Owen brought,” Ianto said as he took it out.
“No thanks mate, even I have eaten enough,” Rhys laughed as he held his stomach.
“I think I’ll give the whole thing to Myfanwy. I did promise her a piece of chocolate pumpkin pie, and it’s not that big…”
“Can we get closer to her?” Rhys asked. He had never seen her close up, only peering down from her nest.
“I’ll tell you what, I’ll call her down and you can give her the pie. Just put it down near her once she lands; don’t try to feed it directly to her or you may lose a finger or two.”
Ianto called for Myfanwy who swooped happily around the Hub. She spotted Rhys holding something chocolate.
“Squawk, Squawk, Squawk.” (How sweet it is!) She landed as close to him as she dared. Rhys put the pie down and backed up. Myfanwy waddled over and stared at the stranger.
“Squawk, Squawk, Squawk.” (I never knew Davy Crockett was so fat!) She picked up the pie and gulped it down. At Ianto’s signal she took off, circled the Hub and landed back in her nest.
Everyone said their good byes and headed home. Jack and Ianto decided to head back to Ianto’s flat since Tosh and Owen had the early shift on Friday.
Up in her nest, Myfanwy was feeling a little uneasy. Something wasn’t sitting well in her stomach.
***
Ring….ring….ring.
Ianto grabbed his cell phone. “Huh..?” he said sleepily, noticing that it was only 7 AM.
“Oi, Tea Boy, you better get over here. Your pet’s been sick all over the place and I’m not cleaning it up.”
Tosh grabbed the phone. “Its Owen’s fault. He’s confessed to spiking the chocolate pie with a laxative; good thing none of us ate any. But Ianto, the medical bay is a disaster.”
Jack grabbed the phone away from Ianto. “We’ll be in within the hour. Put Owen on please.” Jack waited while Tosh called to Owen. “Owen, start cleaning up your mess. No, I don’t care if it stinks. Ianto is not cleaning up after you. Now, Owen, I’m not kidding,” he barked.
Disconnecting the call, he looked at Ianto who was already half dressed. “Well there goes sleeping in. What are you in such a rush for?”
“I’m worried about Myfanwy,” Ianto replied. “If he’s harmed her, I’ll kill that wanker.”
Jack quickly joined Ianto in getting dressed. Ianto was furious and he didn’t blame him. They really didn’t have any experience in treating a sick pteranodon. And Owen was a medic, what the hell was he thinking?
The stench hit them as soon as the cog door rolled open. Tosh and Gwen were up in the conference room trying to get as far away from the odor as possible. The entire medical bay was covered in pteranodon poop. Owen was completely gowned, gloved and masked.
“Well at least she knew where to leave her mess,” Jack snarked as his eyes watered. “Owen come up here for a moment.”
Unfortunately for Owen, Ianto had called softly for Myfanwy a few moments earlier. She had had a rough night, but she felt fine now, if not a bit peckish. She peered out from her nest and saw Owen. She had seen him bring in the pie the day before (her sense of smell could detect chocolate within a quarter mile radius) and she knew that was what made her sick.
As Owen trudged up the medical bay stairs, Myfanwy picked up the turkey carcass from her nest and began to circle overhead. As she began her nose dive at him, Jack wisely backed away.
BAM! Myfanwy dropped the turkey carcass on Owen’s head. The weight of the carcass along with the height from which it was dropped created enough force to almost knock Owen off his feet.
Tosh and Gwen came out of the conference room to watch the spectacle. Myfanwy swooped down and picked up the carcass, circled once around the Hub and dropped it once more on Owen’ head. “OUCH!” Owen yelled. Owen actually staggered under the weight of the blow. Jack began to laugh.
Ianto couldn’t help it he began to laugh as well, more in relief that Myfanwy was OK than due to Owen’s humiliation. As Myfanwy came around for a third pass, Owen began to run. “HELP,” he cried. But no one moved a muscle. “KLUNK.” Myfanwy made a direct hit on Owen’s head for the third time.
Ianto became concerned that Myfanwy might actually seriously injure Owen if she kept it up. “All right, girl, I think you’ve taught him a lesson he soon won’t forget.”
“Squawk, squawk, squawk,” Myfanwy cried as she circled back to her nest. (God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly!)
Tosh and Gwen were giggling as Owen scrambled back down into the medical bay and hid under the gurney.
“The rift is predicted to be quiet for the next 36 hours,” Tosh said raising an eyebrow at Jack.
“Well what are you two waiting for,” he said to Tosh and Gwen. “Christmas is only four weeks away. Time to get shopping. See you tomorrow.” Tosh and Gwen quickly kissed Jack and left the Hub.
Jack walked over to the medical bay and saw that Owen was still hiding under the gurney.
“You will stay here, all day and night if necessary and get this cleaned up. I’ve got the turkey carcass so you won’t get attacked again.” Jack turned to go and then thought of one more thing. “And don’t think we won’t be having a serious conversation about this Owen. The misuse of medication is a major violation on your part. Though frankly, I can’t think of a more suitable disciplinary action than the one you’ve already received.”
In the meantime, Ianto had climbed up to Myfanwy’s nest to make sure she was OK. He was surprised that the aerie was absolutely clean. Fouling Owen’s work area had to be deliberate.
“You Ok, sweetheart?”
“Squawk.” (I am now).
“I’m so sorry about the pie.”
“Squawk, squawk.” (Not your fault)
“Leave Owen alone for the rest of the day. He’s got a lot of work to do. That was very clever of you to get sick over the medical bay.”
“Squawk, squawk, squawk.” (I would have gone outside, but someone forgot to leave the hatch open last night)
Ianto took a few minutes to scratch her on the top of her head which she adored.
He climbed down and let Jack know that she seemed fine.
The two men left the Hub to Owen and Myfanwy.
“So you want to go do some Christmas Shopping?”
“Nah, got plenty of time,” Ianto answered. “Rather go home and back to bed,” he said leering at Jack.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
The two men went back home and spent the rest of the day in bed. In between their lovemaking they laughed about Owen and Myfanwy and continued to banter over what Myfanwy was capable of understanding.
As the day ended, they were exhausted. Jack snorted.
“What?”
“Well I don’t know if Myfanwy would understand this or not but, in the immortal words of Ralph Kramden…baby, you’re the greatest,” he told Ianto as took his mouth into a searing kiss.
______Where Myfanwy learned about Thanksgiving: Cheers - Thanksgiving Orphans episode (the food fight starts around 5:30 in) -
Here's the WKRP video with the immortal line, "God as my witness"
There are numerous 'Honeymooners' clips on YouTube but none with the "I never knew Davy Crockett was so fat." line.
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There should be a whole series. *wink wink nudge nudge* I think Ianto and Jack need to experiment on their separate theories!
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Kiddie table for one.
Re: Kiddie table for one.
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Loved it (of course).
Oh the insanity that soap operas could bring. After all.... this is Torchwood. Crime procedurals... "Book 'em Ianto!"
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I might even write a Myfanwy dream sequence - can you imagine what she dreams aobut?
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Happy Thanksgiving! *hugs and pumpkin pie*
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Myfanwy vs. Owen never gets old.
Brilliant story.
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great fic and Happy Thanksgiving.
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Thanks so much for adding the WKRP clip too - it's my absolute favourite Thanksgiving episode ever.
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I feel sorry for Ianto too - after all the effort he went to, to give the team a lovely Thanksgiving, Owen was determined to ruin it out of spite. He should be barred from Thanksgiving celebrations in future - let him go out and get drunk, the rest of the team will have a much better time without him!
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I actually have an idea for this years story, and yes, Owen will feature prominently in it, but its not what you think.
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I'm looking forward to seeing what happens this year!