aviv_b_artwork | Attack of the Sparkly Unicorns (Reply)

TITLE: Attack of the Sparkly Unicorns
Author: Aviv_b
RATING:  G/PG
WARNING:  Embarrassingly immature bathroom humor
CHARACTERS:  Ianto, Jack, PC Andy and other canon characters
DISCLAIMER: Not mine; Aunty B's and RTD's
WORDS: ~ 2330
SUMMARY:  Splott is under attack!

Written for redisourcolor Challenge 17 - Theme: Weather. Words: dowdy, vituperate, chocolate wrapper and the sentence: "That night [x] drank the last of the [x] him/her/itself...’

A/N: A crackfic with no redeeming social value. I have no idea where this came from, but I'm blaming the drugs I'm taking for a pinched nerve. They're not helping the pain one bit, but I feel surprisingly cheerful.

His mobile rang at 7 AM. While Ianto had already been at work for almost an hour, nobody he knew who didn’t work at Torchwood would be calling this early. Checking the I.D. he saw the call was from Rhiannon.

“Oh no, someone’s sick, someone’s died…” “Rhi, what’s wrong, what’s happened?"

“Ianto there are sparkly rainbows and unicorns outside.”

Ianto took a deep breath. Rhiannon didn’t sound drunk, but she had had a bit of a substance abuse problem when she was a teen.

“Did ya hear me, there’s a bloody big rainbow in the sky and different colored unicorns running around the Estate. I’m not kidding Ianto, and no, I haven’t been drinking.”

Ianto told Rhi that he’s be over as quick as possible. He ran into the Hub from the tourist office and into Jack’s office.

“My sister’s got unicorns and sparkly rainbows at her house!”

Jack squinted as he looked up from his paperwork. “What?”

Jack had to calm Ianto down and have him repeat what his sister told him several times.

“Doesn’t sound too dangerous. So is there a problem?”

Ianto held the bridge of his nose trying to prevent his brains from exploding.

“Of course there’s a problem. There normally aren’t any sparkly unicorns or rainbows in Splott.”

“I though you said that the rainbows were sparkly and the unicorns…”

“For fuck sake Jack! It doesn’t make a difference. My sister’s house is under attack and you want to know if the rainbow or the unicorns are sparkly.”

Ianto glared at Jack and stormed out of the office. Jack ran after him and caught him just as he reached the cog door.

“Ok, we’ll go over to your sister’s house and see what’s going on. I only asked because it’s good to have the facts straight before going into a potentially dangerous situation.”

The look Ianto gave Jack in response would have killed a lesser man at fifty paces.

Ianto got behind the wheel of the SUV, and as much as Jack thought it was a bad idea for Ianto to be driving in such an emotional state, he reckoned that the possibility of surviving the day without injury or being cut off of coffee, sex or both was better if he didn’t argue with Ianto about who would be driving.

As they pulled into the housing estate where Ianto’s sister lived, it looked like a riot was going on. A friendly, sparkly pink fluffy, rainbow and unicorn riot that is. A huge rainbow hovered above a two block area. Candy was falling from it at indeterminate intervals and the neighborhood children were going wild chasing after the candy bars, jelly babies, toffee and other assorted candies lying around. At the same time, sparkly unicorns were galloping up and down the street giving the children rides.

Mothers and fathers were frantically trying to intervene and get their children under control. Fist fights broke out as the children argued over the most desirable candies. The street was strewn with wrappers. They spotted Ianto’s nephew David not far from his house.

“You give that back, you wanker,” David was shouting at a much older boy.

“Yeah, make me, you git,” the boy retorted as he pushed David down. The older boy unwrapped his purloined candy bar and threw the chocolate wrapper at David. “Eat this you…” the last part of the sentence being lost as David jumped to his feet and punched the other boy in the gut.

One woman was screaming uncontrollably, “My baby, they took my baby!”

“Go get your nephew, I’ll see to the woman,” Jack ordered.

Jack ran over to her. “Who took your baby?”

“That horrible sparkly unicorn. A blue one. He’s kidnapped my baby,” she wailed as she covered her face and sobbed.

Jack looked around at the confusion. There must have been twenty or thirty unicorns of all colors and sizes running around, how was he going to find the right one? As he pulled his mobile to call for backup, a blue unicorn trotted up with a tiny child on his back. The mother ran over and grabbed the child. “You’re safe, thank goodness, you’re safe,” she said hugging the child tightly in her arms.

“No thanks to you,” she yelled at him as she turned and walked away.

Jack stood speechless watching her. He swore if he never saw another dowdy bathrobe decorated with flocked pink cabbage roses for the rest of his life, it would suit him fine. He realized that he and Ianto would never be able to get the situation under control on their own so he called PC Andy for assistance.

“Yes, it’s a candy riot. And there are unicorns. How the hell do I know if they are sparkly or not,” he yelled in response to PC Andy’s question. “Get some help over now, before someone gets seriously hurt.”

Meanwhile, Ianto wasn’t fairing much better. As he went to separate his nephew and the other boy, a huge load of candy dropped out of the rainbow right where he was standing. A mob of kids ran over knocking him to the ground. Fists and feet were flying everywhere. Ianto decided that the safest thing was to lay still and cover his head.

He dimly heard his sister shriek, “Oh my god, my brother is under there, he’ll be crushed.” Jack heard her quite clearly and ran to Ianto’s aid. Plucking kids up one by one, he finally was able to free Ianto who was quite a sight. Obviously dazed, his hair was ruffled, his waistcoat was missing half the buttons, his pink shirt was muddy and he had a smear of chocolate down one side of his face. Before Ianto could stop him, Jack grabbed him and went to lick the chocolate off.

“No Jack, please, you really, really don’t want to do that.” But Jack was determined and as much as Ianto tried to squirm away, Jack was having none of it.

“You look adorable,” Jack whispered as he took a lick.

“Shit, I can’t believe you didn’t tell me,” Jack yelled in horror.

“I tried you insufferable arse,” Ianto yelled back vituperately. “At least you got something right today.” Ianto grabbed his nephew from the pile of squabbling children and marched him over to his mother.

Rhi in turn grabbed David from Ianto and began to drag him into their house.

“Where’s Mica,” Ianto asked frantically.

“She’s staying over with Grandmum Davies in Newport thank goodness. Is your lot going to take care of this, then?”

“I hope so; just keep David in the house for now.”

Jack ran over to tell Ianto that PC Andy had arrived with reinforcements from the fire brigade when he noticed Rhiannon looking at him. “Rhiannon Davies, don’t you just look as lovely as a peach this morning.”

Like her brother, Rhiannon was an easy blusher and turned a delightful shade of pink. “Oh Captain, you’re such a flatterer.”

“Nothing but the truth. Hate to steal your brother away, but unicorns to catch, rainbows to deal with.”

As they walked away Ianto muttered, “Pretty as a peach. You really are a charmer aren’t you?”

“What was I supposed to say? Oh hello Rhiannon, that orange bathrobe is the ugliest thing I’ve seen since than one with cabbage roses I spotted on your neighbor just moments ago.”

Ianto snickered as they approached PC Andy.

PC Andy watched the chaos with a bemused expression. “This one of your spooky-doos doing?”

Jack winced. “Please, don’t say ‘doo-doo. Just don’t.”

“What’s the matter with him?”

“He’s having a hard time digesting some of what’s gone down,” Ianto replied. Seeing the puzzled look on Andy’s face, Ianto added, “Don’t ask. It wasn’t pretty, or tasty,” he snarked.

Meanwhile Jack spotted something suspicious. “I think I see the source of the trouble,” he said as he started marching toward a group of kids. “You coordinate with the fire brigade Ianto, I’ll deal with instigator,” he shouted over his shoulder.

PC Andy and Ianto agreed that spraying the area with the fire hoses was probably a good way to get everyone calmed down. Not full force at the children of course, but the grass and the street and the candy. Sure enough a lot of the kids ran away once the candy got wet, though they did have to directly spray several teens off their feet as they defiantly challenged the police and fire brigade.

The unicorns formed a group at the end of the street and gently let the remaining children off their backs. Parents collected their children and hustled them into their flats.

One last cluster of children remained but they didn’t spray near them as Jack was speaking to the group. Finally Jack dragged a man from the center of the children. It was John Hart.

“Damn that man, he’s always creating trouble,” Ianto snarled when he saw who Jack was marching back toward him and Andy.

“One of yours?”

“Certainly not.”

John looked a bit less threatening in his soggy red jacket and matted down hair. And his trousers were sticking to his body in a most revealing way. John did not fail to notice what Ianto was noticing.

“Like what you see Eye-Candy?”

“What the hell are you doing here? After your last visit, you promised you’d never come back.”

“I had to make an emergency landing. I took a job transporting rainbows and sparkly unicorns from Planet CandyLand for the Intergalactic Happiness Festival on Zetatomata Two but ran into problems with the forward stabilizers of my ship. I let the unicorns out for a little fresh air and exercise, and I swear by the goddess I didn’t know that they would decide to put on a show for the neighborhood.

“Speaking of which," Ianto said pointing to a long row of unicorns lined up at the end of the street, “I don’t much relish being run through by unicorn horns, even if they are sparkly.”

“Perfectly harmless. They’re just waiting to be loaded back onto the ship, which yes, I just finished repairing.”

“And you were hiding amongst those children why?” PC Andy asked.

“I wasn’t hiding. When I saw Torchwood was here, I was trying to come over to tell you what was going on.”

Ianto raised one eyebrow in disbelief.

“Really, I was. Then these brats surrounded me and asked me if I was the ringmaster and where the rest of the circus was. And then they asked for candy floss, whatever that is, and when I told them to bugger off, they got nasty. One kicked me right in the shin the little monster.”

Andy and Ianto started laughing. Jack was not amused.

“OK, let’s get your friends loaded up and get you out of here before something else happens.”

“Wait,” PC Andy ordered. “You can’t just let him go. I should be taking him down to the station for questioning. He should be charged with something, fomenting a riot or maybe, disturbing the peace, or littering.”

“Oh, " John replied smiling, “I think I need a full search and interrogation from you. A nice long, hard interrogation,” John practically purred.

“Ok, one of Jack’s friends I see. In that case, I’m giving you a warning this time, but don’t let me catch you back here again.”

As Jack began to march John over to the unicorns, John looked back at Andy. “I really think you need to detain me. Or spank me a bit or…ouch, I’m moving as fast as I can,” he said as Jack shoved him from behind.

A spaceship materialized on John Hart’s command and the sparkly unicorns trotted up a ramp into the cargo bay. John looked up at the rainbow. “You too, go on, get in there.”

Ianto could have sworn that the rainbow moaned as it folded up like an accordion and flew into the cargo bay as well. John Hart saluted them and entered the ship. Moments later, the spaceship rose straight up like a helicopter and zoomed out of view.

It took hours to track down all the participants and give them a special anti-cavity drink made of tea and retcon. “Don’t want your teeth rotting out,” Ianto said soothingly as he handed out the small paper cups. They had just finished dosing the firefighters and turned to PC Andy.

“I’m not drinking that. You always make me drink that stuff and then I forget what’s happened. I’m not stupid you know.”

“Of course not, Andy,” Ianto said sympathetically. ”We’ll take you out for a real drink.”

The next day Andy couldn’t quite remember what happened. There was something with kids and a circus and then he ended up at Ianto Jones’ flat drinking shots of Glenfiddich. Who would have thought that Ianto could drink like that? Andy wasn’t a fool and drank the whisky only after he’d watched Ianto have a couple of shots first.

Captain Jack had come by and picked Andy up to drive him home safely. Ianto went along for the ride singing Moliannwn from the back seat of the SUV. As Andy stumbled out of the vehicle, Ianto handed him the rest of the bottle. Andy was touched. Captain Jack might be a git, but Ianto was a true Welshman through and through.

Even though he knew he had already had enough that night, Andy drank the last of the Glenfiddich himself. After all there was no time when Ianto would have had a chance to alter it except when they were driving home in the SUV. Andy realized that he had been so caught up in Ianto’s songs that he hadn’t been paying attention to what Ianto was doing behind him.

“No, Ianto would never do that to me,” he thought. A vision of Ianto smirking at him as he handed over the bottle flashed through his brain.

“No, I can’t believe it…Bloody Torchwood!”