aviv_b_artwork | Torchwood - A Musical Cliche (Reply)

Author: Aviv_b
Title: Torchwood - A Musical Cliché
Words: ~1345
Rating: PG-13, for language and sexual references
Characters: Team
Disclaimer: Not mine; Aunty B's and RTD's
Summary: A truth serum creates chaos in the Hub.

A/N: Written for Cliche Fest. I used the next four clichés off my randomized list. Cliché list at the end. Pure unadulterated crack-fic. You've been warned.

“Gwen, don’t touch that,” Jack yelled as she picked up the strange looking aerosol canister.

Too late; a fine mist sprayed from the can, leaving the team damp and confused.

“Well that wasn’t so bad,” Tosh said looking around. “But why is Ianto licking his hand and then rubbing his ears.”

The team turned to where Ianto had been standing. Tosh was right; Ianto was methodically licking his hand and then rubbing his left ear.

“Ianto, are you okay?” Jack asked.

“I’MEOWWW...just fine.”

Owen burst out laughing. “Wanker’s turned into a pussy cat.”

“Ianto, I’m so sorry,” Gwen cried running over to pet Ianto’s head.

“HISSSSSSSSS”

“Oi! He’s trying to lick his own crotch, that’s disgusting,” Owen said pointing at Ianto.

Ianto looked up and to everyone’s amazement began to sing (to the tune of ‘I Am Women Hear Me Roar’):

I am Ianto hear me mew
My sexy suit is almost new,
And I know Jack likes them
Tight around my bum

With a red long-slee-ved shirt
An eye-roll and a smirk
I get Jack all worked up
‘For I let him cum.

Oh yes I am sly
But he likes me just that way
Yes it’s only him
I don’t really think I’m gay

If I have to, I can do anything
Hid a cyberchick (cyberchick)
Make good coffee (coffee)

I am Ianto…

Get a hotel room you pervert,” Owen said with disgust.

“I feel a bit insulted,” Ianto said.

“You’re back to normal,” Tosh cried with joy.

“What are you talking about?” Ianto said and began to cough. He walked over to the nearest bin and spit a clump of disgusting stuff into it. “Sorry, hairball. Now where were we?”

“I think we were talking about Gwen not touching the canister, but she always does, doesn’t she?” Owen snarked. “She’s going to get one of us killed someday; she won’t get a scratch on her of course, but the rest of us…”

“STOP!” Jack shouted. “I know what was in the canister.”

Gwen snorted. “Of course you know, you’re the big damn hero. Jack always knows better than everyone else. Though if he were really so great, he’d stop getting killed so often.” Gwen covered her mouth in horror. “Did I say that?”

“It’s okay Gwen, you can’t help yourself. The spray is obviously a truth serum so you can’t stop telling everyone what you really think. And seeing as what just happened to Ianto, the cure must be, has to be, singing an embarrassing song about yourself. I must say I enjoyed Ianto’s lovely Welsh vowels set to music, but I have a feeling that Owen couldn’t carry a tune in a paper bag and Tosh…well just no.”

“How dare you Jack,” Tosh retorted. “I’ve worked here longer than anyone and no one ever pays any attention to me. Owen’s too busy building his reputation as Cardiff’s biggest man-whore and Jack, well you used to have that title, but now you’re too busy sniffing after Ianto or Gwen.”

“And where does that leave me,” she cried indignantly. “Having sex with evil aliens, that’s where. It makes me depressed and then I make bad choices and it’s all your fault.” She suddenly burst into song (to the tune of ‘I Saw Her Standing There).

Well, he was just seventeen,
When he woke from his cryo dream

And the way he looked I couldn’t help but care.
So how could I shag with another (ooh)
When I saw him laying there.

Well, my heart went “zing,”
When I touched his thing,
And I held it tight in mine...

“You mean you slept with Tommy?” Gwen asked. “He was such a little twerp, how could you?”

“We’ll at least he’s not a big…big…big, uh cook like Rhys.” Tosh blushed as the alien truth serum lost its power over her.

“I suppose I’m next,” Owen said glumly.

“You are such a pig, you never do let a lady come first, do you,” Gwen spat out in a fury.

“Speaking of things I’d rather not every know,” Jack said rolling his eyes.

“It’s not my fault,” Gwen continued. “Everything’s so confusing, there’s aliens, and people get killed and it really, really turns me on.”

Everyone was a little less surprised when Gwen began to sing (to the tune of ‘Let it Be’):

When I find myself in times of trouble
Owen Harper saves the day
Screws me till I pass out, no foreplay

And when I’m really frightened
He can chase the monsters all away
By the garbage bins at Mermaid Quay

It’s okay, it’s okay
It’s okay, it’s okay
I really do despise him
It’s okay

Tosh couldn’t stop laughing. “And you were making fun of me? Tommy was a rock star compared to Owen.”

“Yeah, well I wouldn’t screw you if you…”

“Shut it Owen, before I beat the living daylights meowout of you,” Ianto said. “For fuck sake, Why am I making cat noises?”

Everyone shrugged.

Owen smiled. “I could say why, but then I’d be called a misogynist bastard, which I am of course, but who cares. I’ll be dead before the end of the season anyway. I never had a chance. If you get tagged with date-rapist right out of gate, no way are you ever going to be the romantic hero. So it not my fault if…” (to the tune of ‘I’m a Loser’):

I’m a bastard, I’m a bastard
And I’m not what I appear to be

I had a love that would never complain
Till aliens came and exploded her brain

She was a girl in a million, my Kate
Now I’m alone and I feel quite irate

I’m a bastard, and I lost someone who’s near to me
I’m a bastard, and I’m not what I appear to be

Tosh wiped a tear from her eye. “That’s so sad. For Kate.”

“That’s what I admire about you Tosh, you’re always so in touch with your emotional side,” Owen snarked.

Ianto scowled. “You know, it’s impossible to tell if the truth serum has worn off him. He’s a bastard regardless.” Everyone nodded in agreement.

“So Jack, looks like you’re the last one who needs to take the cure,” Gwen pointed out.

“I guess, but I’m so irresistible even if I was brutally truthful with all of you, you’d still fawn over me.”

“True enough.”

“It’s that fifty-first century cologne he wears.”

“Not entirely,” Jack admitted. “You are all just a bunch of pathetic twenty-first century earthlings. I, on the other hand have waited over a hundred years for my Doctor. I need answers. Immortality has some big downsides, I’ll have you know. And he sang, (to the tune of ‘Rocket Man’):

I packed my bags again last night
Waiting for the hand to glow.
And I’m gonna be so happy when I go

This time on earth is really such a drag
Your morals are so very quaint
But I’m not a saint, no no, I’m not a saint

And I think it’s gonna be a long, long time
Till I come back here if I ever do
There are many aliens I’ve never got to screw
Oh no, no, no. I’m immortal now
I’m gonna outlive you all anyhow…

“Well we’re at least all back to normal,” Ianto said with relief as he scratched his chin with his right foot.

“You know what that means?” Jack said smiling.

“Is it time?” Tosh asked.

“It’s overdue,” Owen said clearly annoyed.

“What are you all talking about?” Gwen asked.

“Why Gwen, everyone know at the end of a musical you have to have….”

“A BIG FINALE,”

the rest of the team shouted. (to the tune of the Flintstones’ theme song)

Torchwood. We are Torchwood.
We catch aliens as you can see.
From the town of Cardiff,
We’re a super secret agency.

Let’s drive our SUV so very fast.
Retcon every witness so it lasts.

When you’re part of Torchwood
you’ll have a yabba dabba doo time.
Abaddon adoo time.
You’ll have a gay old time.

“Ianto!!”

“Go away Jack, I’m having another hairball.”

(The curtain falls)

*******
Cliches: