Scratch First, Itch Later

[aviv_b_artwork]

A Schmoop Bingo Story
Author: Aviv_b
Fandom:  Torchwood
Title:  Scratch First, Itch Later (a Zen proverb)
Schmoop: Massage - Backrub
Words: 3735
Rating: R/NC-17
Characters:  Ianto/Jack, Gwen/Owen
Disclaimer: Not mine; Aunty B's and RTD's
Summary: No one listens to Jack's warnings. Including Jack.

This story is dedicated to agent_girlsname. All blame credit goes to her. I got one of the main ideas for this story from her brilliant story Bubble Bath and Massage Oils:
http://agent-girlsname.livejournal.com/28480.html. So as not to give away any spoilers, I’ll let you know what I ‘borrowed’ from her at the end.

Also, some more Welsh swearing with translations at the end. They come directly from a list I found on the Interwebs. Seriously.

 

 

“So I found these in an old wooden crate back in the oldest part of the archives,” Ianto said as he carefully placed the bottles on Jack’s desk.

“And the gloves and mask?” Jack asked as he eyed Ianto warily.

“I didn’t know if they were dangerous or corrosive. I haven’t opened any of them but I thought it best to take precautions.”

“Good point. Are there any records at all for these?” 

Ianto hadn’t been able to find any. He had been searching for an item cross-referenced from Vinvocci medical technology and stumbled onto these glass bottles instead.

“They look like something you’d see in an old apothecary,” Ianto said looking at the iridescent colors of the elaborate cut glass containers.

“That’s It, Ianto! Has anyone ever told you how brilliant you are?”

“You...on occasion,” Ianto said blushing a bit.

“Apothecary bottles, that’s exactly what these are.” 

Jack removed the stopper on the first bottle and took a sniff. He did the same with the second and the third. “You can take the mask off now; I know exactly what’s in these.”

Ianto was a bit dubious and removed his mask but maintained some distance from the bottles on Jack’s desk.

“No, no, come over here, these are very rare finds. Here, sniff this,” Jack said holding the unstoppered sapphire bottle for Ianto. Ianto hesitated and then leaned in a bit and took a quick sniff. “No, take a good whiff of it.”

“It smells like cloves.”

“Very good. It’s an oil for healing burns. And the next one, smell that? Vanilla right? That’s for treating anxiety,” Jack said resealing the emerald green flask.

“Shouldn’t we get Owen up here then?”

Jack laughed. “Not really necessary. As you know, the Vinvocci are one of the greatest races of healers in the universe. The problem is that they make all sorts of medicines for different species, and what’s a curative for one alien, could be toxic to another. I recognize these two as they are very common, but as far as I know, they only work with reptilian creatures.”

“Are they worth keeping then?”

“Well you never know what might be coming through the rift, so it wouldn’t hurt to catalogue them in case we get an anxious Terileptil with a scorched tail dropping by for a visit.”

Jack and Ianto spent the rest of the afternoon identifying the contents of the bottles. Actually, Jack did the identifying and Ianto took copious notes for entry into their database.

The next several were topical medicines also for reptilian species. “I wonder if all of these fell through at once, like some type of infirmary for lizards.”

“More than likely,” Jack said as he opened a small dark red vessel and sniffed. “That’s what I thought. Smells like peppermint oil and it actually is distilled from the bark of a plant very similar to our peppermint. But many times stronger, The Foamasi use it as a massage oil to help with their annual molts and to keep their new scales in good condition. It’s way too potent for humans. I’ve heard stories of humanoid races diluting it down and ending up with some pretty uncomfortable side effects.”  

One or two bottles were opened and quickly closed as Jack pronounced them dangerous for humans to have any contact with. “Whew, this one smells like ammonia,” Jack said putting the stopper back into the yellow bottle as his eyes began to tear. “I’m pretty sure that’s for treating hemorrhoids in Judoon. You wouldn’t want to be using that as a moisturizer.” Jack’s eyes smarted for a few minutes and though Ianto hadn’t smelled the liquid up close, his eyes watered a bit as well.

“I think I’ll also mark that one as an extreme irritant for humans. Wouldn’t do to have someone try to use that, even at the other end of their bodies.”

“Now this one,” Jack said opening a squat ruby red vial, “oh yeah. Ianto, this one is very special.”

Ianto took a sniff and detected a faint lemon scent. “Another massage oil, compounded for reptiles but also suitable for humanoid species.”

At that moment they were interrupted by Owen entering the office. “Just wanted to let you know that if there wasn’t anything else, I’ll be taking off for the day.” Owen spotted the bottles on Jack’s desk. “What are those? They look like old fashioned…”

“Apothecary bottles,” Jack said finishing the sentence for him.

“Yeah, do they have anything we can use in them?”

“Most of them so far have been for reptilian species,” Ianto answered. “So if your iguana has rough skin, we have just the thing for it.”

“Though, this one we’re looking at right now…I was just telling Ianto that it’s a massage oil that humans can use.”

“Yeah?” Owen said not bothering to hide his interest.

“Acts as a mild aphrodisiac. But it’s got to be diluted with water in a ten to one ratio.”

“Really? That’s very interesting.”

“Owen, don’t you have somewhere to be?” Ianto asked a bit irritated.

“Alright Teaboy. I can see that you’re a bit anxious to give that a try, so I’ll leave you two alone.” Owen nodded to Jack, turned and left the office.

Ianto admonished Jack for telling Owen about the oil. “You know what he’s like; we’re going to have to hide it from him.”

“Don’t worry, we will. At your house. Owen will never find it there,” Jack smirked.

Ianto couldn’t help himself, he found himself smiling as well.

***

“So I walk into the office and I hear the Captain and Teaboy talking about these old dusty bottles from an ancient part of the archives. Seems one is an aphrodisiac. We could have some real fun with that.”

“I don’t know Owen. We’re not supposed to take things home from the Hub,” Gwen said chewing her lower lip.

“Don’t worry, I’ll figure out a way. Call me later and we’ll meet up, yeah?”

As luck would have it, the phone at Gwen’s desk, an emergency line to the main Cardiff police station, rang at that moment.  “What is it?” Jack asked as he and Ianto came out of his office. 

“Looks like a weevil. A single one that’s all. But it’s lurking around a residential area and they are concerned it might attack a jogger or someone out walking their dog.”

“Ianto, you’re with me. Gwen can you stay and monitor its location? Owen you can head out, I think we’ll be fine here.”

Jack and Ianto raced out to the SUV and drove off to find and capture the weevil. With Tosh home with the flu, Gwen was acting as her backup on the alien tracker.

Gwen kept in close contact with the SUV guiding them through the streets of suburban Cardiff to the location where the weevil was last spotted. Owen stood watching over her shoulder for a while and then casually walked over to Jack’s office. A few minutes later he returned waving a small red bottle. He massaged Gwen’s shoulders as she gave Jack and Ianto additional instructions.

“Yeah it’s about a half a block west of where you are… (Owen stop that). No, sorry, I meant east…Ok you’re getting close (not now, I’m busy).”

“Ok Gwen we see it.”

Gwen hit the mute setting on her comm. “What do you think you’re doing? They’re not stupid and I don’t want them knowing about our…our…” she stopped as she searched for the right word.

“Affair? Liaison? Fling? Mutual Fuck Fest?”

“You know Owen, if you were any less romantic, I’d make you pay me for it.”

“No offense meant, just trying to keep it honest between us.”

Owen could hear Jack speaking on the comm. “Ok Jack, will do,” Gwen said pulling her ear-piece off. “Go home Owen. I’ve got to call Rhys and make an excuse. I’ll meet you there shortly.”

Owen snorted but headed out through the cog door. Gwen called Rhys and told him that she had to work late…again. She did feel guilty about lying to Rhys but he could never understand the pressures of her job. He was the sweetest man alive, but absolutely clueless when it came to alien goings-on in Cardiff.

Owen, on the other hand, was a complete bastard but at least she could share her fears with him. And he was surprisingly good in bed which helped to chase the demons away for a little while. She sighed as she left the Hub to drive over to his flat. “How did I ever get myself into this mess?” she mused.

Jack and Ianto returned to the Hub a short while later. They had cornered the weevil and noticed he seemed lost and confused. Once they tranquilized him they also noticed that some of his fur was silver. “Jack, I think he’s old. Maybe he’s a bit senile. He was pretty passive when we cornered him.”

Jack agreed and so instead of taking him to the Hub, they went to an industrial area and pried open a sewer cover. They put the weevil by the opening and stood back waiting for him to wake up. When he did, he looked at the two men but made no attempt to charge them. He looked at the sewer opening and then back at Jack and Ianto as if he thought it might be some trick.

“Go on,” Ianto told him, motioning him away. “Go back so we don’t have to kill you.”

The weevil took one more look at them and then began to cautiously lower himself into the sewer. “That’s all we need, geriatric weevils dottering around Cardiff.”

“We could start an eldercare facility for them,” Jack snarked.

“Yeah, and I know who’d get to manage it.”

“Owen of course. You know how he loves weevils. How about we get back to the Hub, grab that ruby red vial and have a little party tonight?” Jack smirked.

“Works for me.”

At the Hub Jack grabbed the vial and teased Ianto about his suspicions. “See the bottle is still here. No reason to worry.”

“Except for the fact that he is undoubtedly shagging Gwen, what’s there to worry about?”

“Nothing, nothing at all. Except of course if Rhys finds out, or the inevitable break-up is ugly or…hell, we’ve got better things to do than worry about Gwen and Owen.”

“Much, much better things,” Ianto agreed.

***

Jack quickly stripped Ianto and turned him on his stomach. He dribble a little bit of diluted oil on his back and began to work it methodically into sore muscles. Ianto groaned in pleasure. “Yeah that feels so good, Jack, and I’m getting very aroused.“

“Don’t you always feel that way around me,” Jack teased.

“Yeah but, I feel like all my senses are heightened. I can smell your pher…Ohhhhhhh,” Ianto moaned as Jack worked some oil between Ianto cheeks. As Jack gently breached him with one finger, Ianto tried to frantically fuck himself on it.

“Duw Jack, I want you now, I feel like I’m going to come.” Jack quickly slicked himself up with the oil, pulled Ianto onto his knees and entered him in one fluid movement. “Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me,” Ianto chanted over and over. Jack reached around to stroke Ianto’s rock hard cock. Within seconds Ianto was coming.

“Duw, keep going Jack.” Jack was pretty close himself and came not long after. He was surprised that when he turned Ianto over he was already hard again.

Jack really wanted to slow things down a bit, and lay down next to Ianto running his finger up and down Ianto’s chest. “You never cease to amaze me, Mr. Jones. Just when I think I know everything about you, how to please you, how to tease you, you take it up a notch. I feel like I’ve been waiting my whole life for you.”

“Or at least the last hundred or so years,”   Ianto snarked. “You’re not going to believe this but I think I’m pretty close to coming again.”

Jack laughed. “Mind if I take a ride?”

“Oh yeah, ride me hard Jack.”

Jack was only too happy to comply. He lowered himself down onto Ianto and found a comfortable rhythm for them both. A few minutes later he felt…”Did you just come?”

“Oh god, oh god,” Ianto was panting underneath him. “Keep going, don’t stop now,” he begged. Jack didn’t mind, but it was a bit odd that Ianto was still hard.

Jack and Ianto had some of the most amazing sex they had ever had together that night. They had orgasm after orgasm and were almost immediately ready for more. They finally fell asleep when exhaustion overtook them.

Across town, Gwen and Owen also had several rounds of raucous sex before Gwen reluctantly headed home. Fortunately, Rhys was fast asleep so she was able to take a quick shower and slip into bed beside him unnoticed.

***

The next day Gwen woke up a little irritable and out of sorts. And Itchy. She took a shower and noticed that her skin was peeling off her back. The oil! She was having an allergic reaction to the oil. She was going to kill Owen. She took a couple of antihistamines, kissed Rhys who groggily said goodbye and headed off to the Hub.

She heard Jack and Ianto over in Jack’s office and it sounded like they were having an argument. ‘Guess that means no coffee’ she thought as she scratched her shoulder.

Not long after, Ianto came out of Jack’s office, made the coffee and disappeared into the archives.

“Everything OK?” she asked Jack.

“Yeah, Ianto just got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Actually, the right side, man he was insatiable but…” he suddenly realized that he had said too much. “Never mind,” he said sheepishly and headed back to his office.

Gwen grabbed a pencil and reached down the back of her sweater with it trying to scratch the itchy spot she just couldn’t seem to reach. “Duw, I’m going to kill Owen when he gets in.”

Owen arrived about a half hour later looking a bit shell-shocked. Gwen went over to berate him but saw that he really didn’t look well. “What’s going on,” she whispered to him as she followed him to the medical bay.

“Do you itch?” Gwen nodded. Owen handed her two pills.

“I took some sudaphedrine at home.”

“This is better.”

She quickly swallowed them and found herself unconsciously rubbing her back up against one of the steel railings. “Shit Owen, this itches like you wouldn’t believe. And my skin is peeling off my back in sheets.”

“As much as I’d like to sympathize, if you recall we used the oil on more than my back.”

“Oh my god,” Gwen said trying not to laugh.

“It’s not funny, Gwen,” Owen hissed as he rubbed his crotch.

“Are you peeling as well?” she giggled as she scratched her back harder against the railing.

“Yeah. I don’t understand what happened, I heard the captain say dilute it ten to one and that’s what I did.”

“Well, the next time you overhear Jack and Ianto talking about an aphrodisiac, do me a favor.”

“Yeah?”

“Go take a cold shower.” Gwen ran up the stairs in tears. She felt miserable and it was all Owen’s fault. As she shook her shirt and saw a huge piece of dead skin fall to the floor. Hell she was peeling like a snake.

Meanwhile down in the archives, Ianto wasn’t faring much better. Everything was making him feel aroused. Hey he liked sex as much as the next guy, maybe more, but this was getting a little ridiculous. Every time Jack had touched him this morning he had had an orgasm. As they walked from the car park to the Hub, Jack had brushed against Ianto causing him to come in his pants. A little aphrodisiac was fine, but this was way, way too much.

At lunch time Jack called Ianto into his office. “I’m so sorry Ianto. I don’t understand what went wrong. You did dilute it fifty to one, right?”

“You told me ten to one.”

“No I’m sure I told you fifty to one.”

Ianto was in terrible distress. And Jack was just making it worse. “Ti'n llawn cachu”* he yelled at Jack.

"Ianto, don’t get so upset, you made an honest mistake."

“Cauc cle wyneb cachau ewythr cachau,” Ianto screamed at Jack.             

At the sound of screaming , Gwen ran into Jack’s office. “Ianto, sweetheart what’s wrong,” she said touching him on the shoulder.

“Duw! Leave me alone, just leave me alone,” Ianto yelled at Gwen.

Gwen saw Ianto double over and thought he was in serious pain. She ran back into the main area of the Hub and over to Owen’s surgical theater. “Owen get up here right now. It’s Ianto. Something’s really wrong. He’s doubled over in pain.”

In fact, he had just come in his pants again and was trying to hide it from Gwen.

Owen hobbled up the stairs scratching his crotch. “Seems to be a bit of swelling to go along with the itching.” Owen muttered. Entering into Jack’s office he was surprised to find Jack holding his head in his hands and Ianto no where in sight.

“What’s going on?”

“Ianto is just a little over excited today. Please leave him alone and he’ll be fine.”

Jack frowned as he watched Gwen take a ruler off his desk and attempt to scratch something on her back that was clearly driving her crazy. “But he was doubled over and…”

“Gwen, leave it,” Jack growled.

Gwen burst into tears and ran from the office.

“Owen. What did you do?”

Owen scratched his head, trying to distract himself from his burning and itching cock and balls.

“I just borrowed…” he said nodding at the little bottles on Jack’s desk.

Jack looked horrified. “Which one?”

Owen hemmed and hawed but finally confessed that he had taken the aphrodisiac home to use.

“With Gwen, I presume.”

Owen nodded.

“But you couldn’t have. Ianto and I had the bottle at his place.” Jack quickly scanned the vessels on his desk. “Shit Owen, you took home the molting cream.”

“The what?”

“Molting cream. For reptiles, to help them to shed their skins.”

“Oi, you’re telling me we used an alien exfoliant on our skin.”

Jack nodded. “I hope you didn’t use it…” Jack’s voice trailed off as he watched Owen scratching his balls.

“Yeah, we did. Fortunately for Gwen it’s only on her back. But afraid we got a little more daring with me.”

“At least you diluted it, right.”

“Yeah ten to one just like you said.”

Jack’s head shot up. “Owen did you say ten to one?”

“Jack I may be an idiot, but I’m still a doctor. I clearly heard you say ten parts to one dilution ratio.”

“Shit.”

“And what did you do Captain?”

Jack sighed and told Owen about the error he had made. “And I told Ianto that he was the one that got it wrong. That’s why he was angry.”

“But what was going on with him doubling over.”

“Owen, if you ever tell him I told you I’ll kill you. Gwen touched him and he came in his pants.”

Owen threw back his head and laughed. “Hahaha. I feel much better about my screw-up. Yours is even better.”

“Owen…”

“No worries Captain, I won’t say a word.”

And for once, Owen was telling the truth. When Ianto reappeared wearing his third change of trousers that day Owen didn’t say a word. He walked over to Ianto and blew a puff of air in his face. Ianto stood rigid trying…trying…

Ianto looked down in horror as a wet spot formed on the front of his trousers. 

Jack actually growled as he came out of his chair.

“Oi, I didn’t say a word, I didn’t touch him.” Wisely Owen ran out of Jack’s office still scratching his balls.

Ianto looked at Jack. He couldn’t believe it, but he thought he might actually cry. Which would be just the perfect way to end the day. 

“Go down to my bunker. I’ll bring you some medicine that should help.”

Jack strode out of his office to find Gwen crying at her work station and Owen holding an ice pack to his groin. “Ok you two, go home. The rift predictor says nothing’s happening until tomorrow morning so I’ll expect you here bright and early, itching or not. And I hope I won’t have to remind you again about not taking things home from the Hub. Jack stood cross-armed as he watched his two errant employees skulk out.

He got some sedatives from the medical bay and went down to find Ianto lying naked on top of the covers. While the oil hadn’t had nearly as strong an effect on him he felt himself becoming aroused (which would have happened even without the oil). But he knew that after twenty-three orgasms in the past ten hours, Ianto couldn’t take much more. He placed a glass of water and a couple of pills on the little night stand by the bed.

“Take these. They’re sedatives. They’ll take the edge off your arousal and let you sleep. By tomorrow you should be OK.”

“How the hell did I screw up so badly?”

Jack hesitated then sighed. “You didn’t, I did. And not just for getting the dilution wrong. Here I am furious with Owen for taking the molting oil when I did the very same thing. Fortunately, no permanent damage was done, but it could have turned out much worse. If Owen hadn’t diluted it, they both would have ended up with the equivalent of second degree burns. And you’re having an uncomfortable day, but you have to admit it was fun for a while.”

Ianto snorted. “Yeah up until the fourteenth orgasm everything was dandy. But when I couldn’t get rid of my erection, that got a bit scary.”

“Well we all learned a valuable lesson today.”

“Yeah, the next time we use that oil, I’m diluting it fifty to one.”

Jack started to retort, but couldn’t think of what to say.

“Practice makes perfect Jack.”

“I like the way you think, Jones, Ianto Jones.”

______

I already had the idea of Gwen and Owen stealing the itchy oil, but when I read this from agent_girlsname I knew that Jack and Ianto were not going to be immune from temptation either: 

Alien massage oils?’ Ianto smiled, raising an eyebrow at Jack.

‘Oh yes.’ Jack grinned back. ‘There are some interesting plants in that hot house. I’ve learned some amazing mixtures over the years, even one that will make your body so sexually aroused I could make you come just by breathing on you.’

Gold, pure gold.
______

Welsh translations

*You’re full of shit.

** Shut your fucking face, uncle fucker. (I did NOT make this one up).