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aviv_b_artworkTITLE: There’s A First Time For Everything
RATING: PG-13
WARNING: mentions of sexual harassment as relates to canon, names of several sex acts but no descriptions thereof
CHARACTERS: TEAM, mostly Gwen, Tosh & Ianto
GENRE: Humor
DISCLAIMER: Not mine; Aunty B's and RTD's
WORDS: ~ 5520 (including documents)
PROMPT: Written for tw_unpaired, #30 - After Jack hires Gwen, he tells Tosh and Ianto to prepare an orientation packet. They take to the task with gleeful abandon.
A/N: A non-canon look at Gwen’s first day at Torchwood. No Suzie and the Team already knows about much of the aliens and their technology that we see later in series one and two. Some events from series one and two are discussed as if they have already occurred.
KNOW YOUR ALIENS
contd
CAPTAIN JOHN HART
Threat Level: Medium to High
Intelligence: Highly intelligent, cunning, sexy as hell.
Weapons: Paralyzing Lip Gloss, Samurai Sword, Killer Body
Weaknesses: Wide range of addictions to alcohol, drugs, murder, and sex. Loves eye-candy.
BASIC KIND-OF-FRIENDLY ALIENS
ADIPOSE
Threat Level: Low to Medium
Characteristics: Little blobs of fat. Not dangerous in their own right, but when exposed to humans they dissolve their fat, then bone and muscle
Weapons: just them, the cute little bastards.
Weaknesses: can’t survive without nursemaids, explode nicely when microwaved on high, but don’t clean up as easily as exploding Peeps.
MYFANWY
Threat Level: Low to Medium
Characteristics: A pteranodon. Not a threat to Torchwood employees as long as she isn’t teased or provoked or you cover yourself with special protein sauce.
Weapons: talons, sharp beak, large size.
Weaknesses: Love of chocolate and Ianto.
________________________________________________________________
Gwen had seen a weevil and Myfanwy, so no surprise there. Most of the others were totally unfamiliar to her. She studied each alien carefully. About half way through, the document she whispered “tylwyth teg” in awe.
Ianto sat up in surprise. “You know about the faerie folk, then.”
“Oh yes, my mother used to tell me when I was little, that if I didn’t behave the tylwyth teg would come and take me as a Chosen One.”
Tosh almost spit out a mouthful of coffee.
“I remember as a child we used to leave little offerings of sweets out for the bwbachod, the household faeries,” Gwen continued.
Ianto nodded. “I’d like to sit down with you sometime and hear more of these stories your mother told you. They often are rooted in more truth than most people are aware of.”
“What? Are you telling me that those stories are real? Do they really snatch children away?” Gwen was visibly upset by this notion. Ianto decided to change the subject quickly as he didn’t want her to dwell on one of their fiercest adversaries.
“So have you ever seen a blowfish driving a sports car?” he asked.
Gwen laughed. “You’re not going to believe this, but one of our neighbors, old Mrs. Murphy claimed to see one not long ago. We thought she had gone nutter…oh, she hadn’t had she?”
Tosh and Ianto shook their heads ‘no.’
When Gwen saw the picture of the Cyberman, she laughed. Ianto and Tosh looked at each other in horror.
“It’s C3PO! Now I know you’re having one off with me.
Once again Tosh and Ianto shook their heads ‘no.’
“I wish we were,” Ianto sighed, “but you are looking at possibly the most dangerous alien invader Earth has ever faced. The Cybermen are created by converting other species into them. And once converted, even if only a little bit, the process can never be reversed.”
Gwen sensed Ianto knew more than he was saying. “Have you ever seen one yourself?”
Ianto got up and walked once around the table. He sat down, and looked directly at Gwen. “
Gwen was mortified. She had no idea that Ianto had been personally affected. This was not the way she wanted to start off with her co-workers so she quickly changed the subject.
She commented on how sexy Captain John Hart was and Ianto and Tosh howled with laughter. They told her about the paralyzing lip gloss and his ruthlessness in pushing someone off a roof the last time he visited.
“OK, nice eye-candy, but not much of a sweetheart.” She scanned to the next page. “And this next one, it looks like a marshmallow.”
“Actually it’s a blob of fat,” Tosh told her.”
“What, like shortening?”
“Yes, but living shortening. You consume it, it grows by eating your fat, bone and muscle and then when it’s big enough it pops out of you and walks away. ”
“I thought I saw a commercial for that on late night TV, something about the fat just walking away…”
Ianto shrugged, “would you be shocked it I told you that you won’t be seeing any more of the infomercials anytime soon?”
This time it was Gwen that shook her head.
__________________________________________________________________
ALIEN WEAPONS
Alien Perfume: Aka – Alien Aphrodisiac.
Powerful chemicals that when sprayed on human or other life forms renders said life forms incapable of thinking/performing anything but sex. Use as a recreational drug is strictly prohibited.
The Resurrection Gauntlet: Aka - The Risen Mitten.
Brings the dead back to life, if only for a few brief moments. May be used only under the direction of Captain Jack Harkness. Last time someone didn’t follow this rule, it didn’t end well. Seriously.
The Resurrection Knife: Aka - The Life Knife.
A three bladed knife, extremely lethal on its own. Additionally, the properties of the Resurrection Gauntlet are enhanced if the victim being brought to life was killed with this knife.
Mind Reading Pendant:
Allows wearer to read other people’s thoughts. User may become overwhelmed by multiple thoughts and/or the content of said thoughts. And besides, it’s not nice to listen in on other people’s private musings. You might find out that someone is shagging the person you moon over.
Paralyzing Lip Gloss:
A favorite of humanoid aliens, this substance paralyzes its victims, rendering them unable to move or even to speak. The effects may be temporary or permanent. Some versions also affect involuntary muscle movements including the heart being able to beat as well as inhaling oxygen. With these versions, death generally occurs in under an hour.
_______________________________________________________________
They took a quick look at the alien weapons page and then proceeded on a tour of the Hub.
“On your left you’ll see some stairs leading down to a shower room,” Ianto told her. They headed down the stairs. “You’ll find that after an alien encounter sometimes a shower is necessary, so you’ll want to leave several changes of clothing in a locker for those occasions.”
“Does that happen often?”
“Well…” Ianto started to answer but was interrupted by Captain Jack bounding down the stairs with pure abandon.
“She’s here! Welcome Gwen. You are going to be such a great addition to the team. I can just tell already. I see you’re checking out the communal showers, they’re so much fun.”
Gwen looked at Jack transfixed by his non-stop monologue. “Is he mad, are they all mad?”
Ianto and Tosh knew that Jack always talked too much when he was excited. They rolled their eyes at each other.
Jack continued on undeterred. “I can’t wait to see your reaction to capturing your first weevil. Have you met Myfanwy? Do you know how to feed a pterodactyl? Very carefully!” Jack burst out laughing at his own joke.
“Alright then,” Ianto interrupted, “time to finish up with a quick tour of the archives and then lunch should be here.”
“Oh good, can I come too, oh no, that’s right I have to go wait for the lunch to arrive. Guess I’ll have to have Ianto give me a private tour of the archives later,” Jack said leering at Ianto. Jack turned and bounded back up the stairs back to the main level.
“Huh? Wouldn’t the captain already know his way around?” And then it hit her. “Oh he didn’t mean, he couldn’t have meant, could he?”
It didn’t take long for her to confirm her speculation. Lunch was Chinese takeaway and Jack regaled them with stories as they ate. They all sat around the conference room table eating when she realized that her entrée was her favorite, spicy beef with peapods.
“How did you know?”
In unison the team replied, “Ianto Jones knows everything.”
“Yes he does.” Jack said. “He’s the best archivist, butler, batsman a man could want.”
Owen caught her attention. His stare was so predatory that Gwen shivered involuntarily. “Not to mention part-time shag.” Seeing the look of horror on Gwen’s face, he quickly added, “so I’ve been lead to believe.”
Jack noticed that Ianto stiffened at this barb. Turning to Gwen he told her that Owen was just jealous because he never got a chance to fly with the captain.
“Oi, ground control to Major Tom, you’re going to make me lose my lunch if you keep going on like that,” Owen snarked.
After lunch, Ianto showed her to her work station which was stacked with several thick binders. One contained police reports of unsolved disappearances for her to read. Ianto explained that she should review each case and see if she could identify what would lead Torchwood to think that there were aliens involved. Now this was something she was familiar with.
A few hours later, and several more cups of Ianto’s heavenly coffee (and a few encouraging words from him as well) Jack ordered everyone home. She went to take a binder home when she remembered that she couldn’t. She’d be putting in some long hours to get these analyzed she reckoned. Still, she had made it through day one without being attacked by aliens, or making a fool of herself, so that was something.
As Gwen drove home exhausted from her first day at Torchwood, she thought about everything that had happened since she had followed the team a few weeks ago. She was a little overwhelmed; aliens in
As she opened the door to the flat she and Rhys shared, a wonderful aroma hit her. Rhys’ homemade lasagna. Thank goodness for normal things. Rhys was in the kitchen and gave her a big hug and a kiss when he saw her.
“So how was your first day at Torchwood?”
She had so much to tell him about aliens, and the Captain and…but she couldn’t could she?
“It was pretty boring. Lots of forms to fill in, manuals to read, meetings with co-workers, the usual tour of the offices, Chinese takeaway for lunch.” She smiled. “But the coffee, Rhys, was amazing.”
Rhys laughed. “Well at least there’s good coffee. Makes a nice change from the police station, then?” Gwen nodded. “So going on any super secret missions?”
“Rhys, you know it’s a special ops job, I can’t tell you anything about it.” She remembered the manual. “I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you,” she told him trying to be serious.
“Oh yeah, I’m terrified.” Rhys went to get the lasagna out of the oven. “So Banana Boat says Torchwood catches aliens. See any monsters today?”
Gwen froze for just a moment. Then she smiled at Rhys. “Don’t be ridiculous, do you really think Banana Boat knows what he’s talking about?”
Rhys looked a bit sheepish. “Well he kept pestering me to ask, so now I have.”
Gwen rolled her eyes.
“Oi, I know, it’s a daft idea isn’t it?”
Gwen just smiled as they sat down to have dinner. Inside she felt herself dying a little.
“So this is how it goes, then. Lying every day to everyone about everything. I wonder if I’ll even recognize myself a year from now. Bloody Torchwood.”
