aviv_b_artwork | Five Times Jack Hated Valentine’s Day…and One Time He Didn’t

Title: Five Times Jack Hated Valentine’s Day…and One Time He Didn’t
Author: Aviv_b
Characters: Jack, Ianto and the rest of the team
Rating: PG-13 for some language and sexually suggestive situations
Words: 2585
Author's Note: I made one change to canon here; Gwen does not get engaged until after Jack returns from The Year That Never Was.

The first time Jack encountered a St. Valentine’s celebration wasn’t on Earth. He had been a Time Agent for only two years when he was sent to find a fugitive on the planet Eros – the planet of love. It was a choice assignment; Eros was probably the most uninhibited place in the known universe. And Jack was all for that. Human or alien everyone came to Eros for only one purpose. Sex and lots of it. Pairings of every type were not only tolerated, they were encouraged. You could find anything you could imagine on Eros, every kink was indulged, worshiped and explored to its fullest, and everyone left the planet exhausted but satiated.

When Jack learned he would be there for Valentine’s Week, their most sacred holiday, his imagination ran wild with just how they would celebrate this special time. He packed lightly for the trip figuring he wasn’t going to need much in the way of clothing, but take did his favorite cock-ring and vibrator just in case he needed a little inspiration.

Arriving at the planet he was surprised to see unhappy people everywhere. Instead of the celebratory atmosphere he anticipated everyone was dressed in sack cloth and ashes.

‘What the hell,’ he thought. ‘Maybe it’s just the spaceport.’

But it was the same at his hotel. No one running naked through the lobby, no bodies in motion, no coitus (interuptus or not) anywhere. In his room he was shocked to find that the three dimensional interactive sex tape projector had been disabled.

Finally he couldn’t stand it anymore. He went back to the front desk and asked the chastely dressed desk clerk what was going on.

“It’s Valentine’s Week,” she said, looking at him like he was an idiot.

“Isn’t Valentine’s Week the time for lovers?” Jack enquired.

“Yes, the clerk sighed, for lovers.”

“But why is everyone so covered up? This isn’t the Eros I’ve heard about.”

The clerk looked at him sadly. “Every week of the year except one the planet indulges in sex without love. But once a year, we are only allowed to indulge in sex if it involves love. And I’m afraid your stay here exactly coincides with this year’s Valentine’s Week observance.”

Jack thanked the clerk and went back to his room. Figures, he would visit at exactly the wrong time, because if there was one kink that Jack Harkness never indulged in it was love.

****

The Second Time Jack hated Valentines Day was when he had a one day layover on the planet Cupid. Cupid was another planet with a relatively sexually uninhibited population.

Wiser because of his experience on Eros, he kept his expectations in check until he had a chance to scope out the rules. Good thing because once again he arrived on Valentine’s Day and once again local customs put a damper on his libido. Oh you could have sex, no problem there. But afterword, a little chubby naked boy would appear and shoot an arrow into your arse. After extracting the fourth arrow from his very sore rear, Jack had had enough. “Guess it’ll be me and my right hand for the rest of the night,” he sighed, cursing his bad timing.

Unfortunately, even wanking off produced the appearance of the little guy with the very sharp arrows. “Hey that’s not fair.” Jack protested. The naked boy smiled, “its still sex, so an arrow is warranted,” he replied shooting another arrow into Jack's cheek before disappearing.

“I hate Valentine’s Day,” Jack thought.

****

During the 1920's in Boston on planet Earth, morality was pretty strict and it wasn’t that easy to get a woman into bed. Still, with his thousand watt smile and his charm, he had managed to have his fair share of successes. There was one young woman he worked with named Emily that had resisted every one of his advances. He had finally convinced her to go on a date where he behaved like a perfect gentleman. They held hands at the movies and he gave her a small kiss on the cheek as he said goodnight on her parent’s front stoop. He wasn’t sure, but he thought he saw some disappointment in her eyes as he turned to walk away.

The next Saturday was the dreaded Valentine’s Day. With all the men interested in her, he was surprised when she accepted his date for dinner and dancing. He had studied Earth customs carefully and this time he was going to do it right. He arrived at her home early with a bouquet of a dozen red roses arranged with some other ornamental greenery. She invited him in so that she could put the beautiful flowers in a vase. While her mother helped her arrange the flowers, her father came over to chat with Jack.

Jack sat upright on one of the sofas trying to make the best impression he could on Emily’s father. He heard a sneeze from the kitchen, looked over but couldn’t see his date. He continued to talk to the father for more than thirty minutes. He didn’t want to seem impolite, but he mentioned to the father that they had reservations at a very posh restaurant that they’d be late for if they didn’t get going.

The father looked at his watch and was startled to see that they had been talking for forty minutes. The father excused himself to go check on his wife and daughter saying, “You know how the ladies are, they get to admiring those flowers and forget everything else.”

A few minutes later the father came back looking quite concerned, “I’m so sorry Jack, Emily seems to have taken a bit ill. She can’t go out tonight. You’re a nice fellow, really, so I hope you’ll consider taking her out again.”

Jack was terribly disappointed that he wasn’t going to be able to seduce her that night but what could he do but politely leave? As he left the house he happened to glance back to see Emily looking longingly out at him from the front picture window. ‘My gods,’ Jack thought, 'what happened to her?' Her face was swollen and she looked like…well a red-faced chipmunk with its face stuffed with nuts. It was hideous.

When Emily wasn’t at work the next day, he found out from one of her friends that she had had a terrible allergic reaction to the flowers he had given her. Well not, the flowers, actually, but the eucalyptus stems had caused her face to swell to the point where she was having trouble breathing.

Somehow, even after Emily came back to work, Jack didn’t have the heart to continue her seduction. He initially thought he would, but the vision of her swollen face haunted him every time he thought about her effectively killing his libido.

****

It was 1981 in New York City. Jack reveled in the knowledge that he was one of the hottest guys around. Men wanted him, women wanted him, hell some of their grandmothers wanted him. He had a new pretty young thing in his bed every week without fail. Sometimes he had several pretty young things in his bed every week, sometimes at the same time.

There was one young man, however, who showed no interest in Jack even though Jack was intensely interested in him. He was short and with light brown hair and so beautiful he was breathtaking. The way he dressed, the way he moved, Jack would get hard just thinking about him. Jack tried every trick in the book to get his attention but the man never even noticed he existed. He sent flowers to the man along with a message but got no response. He bought him expensive gifts that were never acknowledged. He even went so far as to track him down to the small coffee shop in Greenwich Village that he frequented. But when he tried to chat him up the man excused himself and went over to another table to flirt with two gorgeous young women.

As a last resort he waited for the man as he left his evening performance. It was on Valentine’s Day and Jack had bought a single red rose for the man. The man was mobbed by others and it took some time for him to get free of the crowd. Jack had moved away from the crowd so he could speak to him once everyone else was finished. The man looked like a god to Jack. Dressed in a full length fur coat, the man moved almost cat-like as he made his way to a waiting car.

“Excuse me,” Jack said nervously, “but I wanted to give you this,” as he handed the rose to the man. The man looked puzzled for a moment and then his face brightened.

“Oh so you’ve heard. That’s really thoughtful, especially not saying anything in front of the crowd. I’m sure they’ll hear soon enough and then the chaos will really begin. But Jessica and I are trying to enjoy the first few days with our baby in private.”

Jack didn’t know what he was talking about, so he just stood there in confusion.

“I didn’t catch your name,” the man said.

“It’s Jack Harkness,” Jack said giving the man his best smile.

“Well thank you Jack Harkness, I know Jessica* will really appreciate your gesture.”

The man got into the waiting car which drove away as Jack watched despondently.

Even to this day he always regretted not getting to sleep with Mikhail Baryshnikov.

****

It was The Year That Never Was. Jack lay a tortured wreck in a cell on the Valiant. He had no idea what day it was except when The Master had a special torment waiting for him. He'd been punched to death several times on Boxing Day, exploded with M-80s on New Years, and gnawed to death by rodents for Groundhog’s Day.

He didn’t think anything of it when The Master’s goons came to get him for another round of fun.

“Oh good, it’s a special day Jack,” The Master said gleefully. So what day do you think it is?”

Jack was so tired of all the games, especially the ‘guess how I’m going to kill you’ one.

“Let’s see, its St. Patrick’s Day and you are going to drown me in beer,” Jack said sarcastically.

“No, but that’s a very good idea; I’ll keep that in mind for next month,” The Master replied. “It’s Valentine’s Day, so I have a special heartfelt surprise for you!” The Master took out a laser cutter and proceeded to slice open Jack’s chest cavity. He put a shock wand directly on Jack’s heart, and turned it on. Jack died almost immediately of heart failure.

The Master wasn’t happy with the speed of Jack’s death. “Not enough suffering,” he muttered. So when Jack revived, he put the shock wand on a lower setting and placed it directly over Jack’s heart. It took ten minutes for Jack’s heart to finally give out. The Master enjoyed this enormously and decided to repeat the game several more times that day.

“I really, really hate Valentine’s Day,” Jack thought as he revived for the final time that day.

****

Gwen was carrying on about the big plans that she and Rhys had for Valentine’s Day. They were going out to dinner; he had bought her flowers and a huge box of imported chocolates. And she was certain, she told them, that there’d be ring for her at dinner tonight. It was so romantic.

Owen responded sarcastically to each of her remarks; after all it wasn’t so long ago that he was shagging her senseless every chance he got. Tosh gritted her teeth since she knew about Gwen and Owen ever since wearing Mary’s pendant.

Ianto rolled his eyes as he entered Jack’s office with a fresh cup of coffee.

“What’s Gwen going on about,” Jack asked.

Ianto sighed. “Oh you know, just the usual blather about the brilliant Rhys and the wondrous things he’s bought her for Valentine’s Day. I don’t know which I’m dreading more, her getting a ring or her not getting a ring.”

“I know what you mean,” Jack laughed. “If she doesn’t get a ring tonight we’ll have to listen to her complain for the next two weeks.”

“But if she gets a ring,” Ianto continued, ”then we will have to hear every detail of her wedding plans for the next year. I’m just so glad we don’t have to bother with Valentine’s Day shite.”

Jack paled a little. For once he wanted to have a good Valentine’s Day, but he now feared that Ianto would ridicule him for his efforts.

The afternoon dragged on but finally Gwen left early to go on her date with Rhys. Owen left shortly thereafter pointing out that there would be an abundance of lonely women in the pubs tonight and he intended to get first pick. Finally, as Tosh was leaving Ianto went over and gave her a small present. She seemed confused and embarrassed.

“You’re my best friend, Tosh, so I got you a little something for Valentine’s Day. I hope that’s Ok,” Ianto asked.

“Of course it is,” she said giving Ianto a chaste kiss on his lips. “You are probably the most thoughtful person I’ve ever known. Jack is lucky to have you.” She continued to thank Ianto until he hurried her up to leave the Hub.

He went back to Jack’s office and was surprised to find Jack drinking a scotch. A small glass was waiting for him as well. As he picked up his scotch it was apparent that Jack was upset about something.

“Jack are you alright?”

“Yeah, its just that its Valentine’s Day and…”

“You have some difficult memories associated with the day.”

“Well, yes that’s true but I think you are going to be upset that…”

Ianto interrupted, “Jack, we’re men. We don't need to exchange presents on Valentine’s Day. So I'm not upset that you didn’t get me anything.”

“See that’s the problem, I did get you something and now you’re going to think I’m lame.”

Ianto was surprised. He hoped it wasn’t anything overly sentimental. That would imply something about their relationship that he wasn’t ready to contemplate. If they even had a relationship, he acknowledged.

Ianto sighed, “Ok, what is it?”

Jack handed him a nicely wrapped box from Victoria’s Secret. 'Oh god', Ianto prayed silently, 'I hope he’s not into cross-dressing. The very thought makes me queasy'.

Ianto opened the box and was surprised to find little vials of what appeared to be paint along with two paint brushes. He looked at Jack shaking his head in confusion.

“Its body paint, flavored body paint.” Ianto began to smile.

“Look there’s chocolate and mint and raspberry…” Jack voice trailed off nervously.

Ianto went over to where Jack was sitting behind the desk and grabbed him into a standing position by the shirt collar. Ianto kissed him deliciously long and slow. Jack opened his mouth and let Ianto’s tongue explore as he groaned.

“It’s just what I always wanted Jack,” Ianto said as he broke the kiss, “and you’re just who I want to use it on.”

“I finally got it right,” Jack said. “Finally.”

“I find it hard to believe that you would have any trouble with Valentine’s Day,” Ianto stated.

“Let me tell you, there was this time on Eros…” Jack began to say as they made their way down to Jack’s room.

____

*Jessica refers to Jessica Lange who had a daughter with Baryshnikov in the early 1980s.