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aviv_b_artworkTITLE: There’s A First Time For Everything
RATING: PG-13
WARNING: mentions of sexual harassment as relates to canon, names of several sex acts but no descriptions thereof
CHARACTERS: TEAM, mostly Gwen, Tosh & Ianto
GENRE: Humor
DISCLAIMER: Not mine; Aunty B's and RTD's
WORDS: ~ 5520 (including documents)
PROMPT: Written for tw_unpaired, #30 - After Jack hires Gwen, he tells Tosh and Ianto to prepare an orientation packet. They take to the task with gleeful abandon.
A/N: A non-canon look at Gwen’s first day at Torchwood. No Suzie and the Team already knows about much of the aliens and their technology that we see later in series one and two. Some events from series one and two are discussed as if they have already occurred.
“Miss Cooper, uh Gwen, you look at bit upset. Is anything the matter?”
“Please don’t tell me this policy is for real.”
Tosh and Owen burst out laughing. Tosh shook her head. “Ok, that one was written by the Captain. He was having a little fun. Let’s just say Jack’s views on relationships are a bit ‘advanced.’"
“Out of this world, in fact,” Ianto added.
“Now the drug policy is serious.” Tosh continued. “There are numerous dangerous things that come through the rift or are stored in the archives. So approach everything that is an unknown with caution.”
Ianto continued, “That segues nicely into our next and perhaps our most important topic, The Five Don’ts of Torchwood.
________________________________________________________
THE FIVE DON’TS OF TORCHWOOD
Don’t touch anything you don’t recognize.
Just because its cute and fuzzy, doesn’t mean it won’t bite your head off
Harmless looking pieces of technology from the future can be dangers as you could be:
Transformed into a disgusting hairy monster
Turned into a three year old
Become sex-crazed (and not in a good way)
Transported through space and time to a place lacking in modern standards of hygiene or even worse, lacking an IKEA store
Body swapped and find yourself turned into Owen Harper
Additionally:
If you see a metal gauntlet, LEAVE IT ALONE! (See Alien Weapons attachment for further details)
Never, ever point an unidentified object at another member of the team. You may cause the above to happen to one of your co-workers. This will result in the imposition of the “decaf instant coffee rule” as outlined below.
Don’t touch the coffeemaker – it may be a familiar object, but under no circumstances is anyone other then Archivist Ianto Jones allowed to touch the coffeemaker.
Violations of this rule may be handled in the following manner:
removal of coffee drinking privileges for a month,
consumption of instant and/or decaf coffee for two weeks,
cleaning Myfanwy’s nest for ten days,
cleaning out Janet’s cell for a period of time to be determined.
Don’t shag* Captain Jack
Captain Jack is the exclusive shag bunny of Archivist Ianto Jones
You may flirt and tease with Captain Jack, in fact that is practically a job requirement
You may joke, parlay, and exchange innuendos with Captain Jack
You may fantasize, romanticize, downsize, capsize about Captain Jack as long as that’s as far as it goes.
*Shagging includes blow jobs, hand jobs and any and all activities that involve the penetration of anyone’s body by another body or object and/or the exchange of bodily fluids.
Don’t feed and/or tease the office pets – Torchwood has two alien species on site as permanent residents. General information about the species involved is covered in more detail in the document “Know Your Aliens.”
Weevil – our resident weevil is named Janet.
She may seem docile but do not stick fingers through Plexiglas holes in her cell when feeding or to say ‘hello.’ This may result in serious injury or loss of digits.
Her diet consists of raw chopped beef and lamb as well as a limited quantity of vegetable matter. Archivist Ianto Jones is in charge of monitoring her diet and may assign preparation, feeding and clean up to employees found in violation of the Don’t Touch the Coffeemaker Rule.
Do not feed her unapproved foods especially anything high in refined sugar. She gets constipated. And a constipated weevil is an angry weevil. Violation of this rule means that you get to administer Janet her enemas.
Pteranodon – our resident pteranodon is named Myfanwy.
Myfanwy consumes a high protein diet not dissimilar to Janet’s. She, however, is fed whole animal carcasses to provide her with the balanced nutrition she requires.
Her food is normally topped with a special sauce containing extra protein. This is an essential aid for her to identify what is edible. Spilling sauce on yourself is highly discouraged as this may make you appear as a delightful snack.
Hand feeding is discouraged as her beak is very, very (almost razor) sharp.
As a treat, Myfanwy receives one dark bar of chocolate a day. Her preferred brands are Cadbury and Godiva. She will spit milk chocolate and white chocolate back at you.
Employees are advised to refrain from bringing dark chocolate into the Hub for personal consumption. This may result in destruction of personal property and in rare cases injury or death.
Employees are forbidden from bringing pets into the Hub as this stimulates the pteranodon’s prey drive. Details of an unfortunate occurrence involving this violation may be found in incident report, 1751-badday, entitled “Captain John Hart’s Poodle.”
Do not feed her unapproved foods especially fresh fruit. She gets… well, let’s just say if you feed it, you’ll be cleaning it up afterwards.
Don’t discuss Torchwood business with non-Torchwood employees
If you are questioned about your job, you are to reply with “Special Ops.” Tapping the side of your nose as you say this, adds a touch of authenticity.
If the same individual questions you again about your job, you are to reply with “I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.”
The prohibition on discussing Torchwood extends to spouses, lovers, part-time shags, and other family members and/or friends. Violations may result in the forcible retconning of said family or friend. In extreme cases, it may result in the forcible retconning of the employee. You could find yourself back in nappies faster than you can say Raxacoricofallapatorius.
______________________________________________
She read these carefully, wondering if the second and third rules were another joke. Looking up she caught Ianto staring at her nervously. ‘Serious, then’ she concluded.
“So Janet, would that be the charming creature I met last time I was here?” She could see Ianto visibly relax. “I believe it was, we didn’t have any temporary visitors that I can recall.”
“Let’s look at the next page, shall we,” Ianto suggested.
___________________________________________________________________
STANDARD ISSUE WEAPONS
FOR ALL PERSONNEL
HANDGUN - The Standard issue Torchwood handgun is based on the Tokyo Marui HI-CAPA 4.3 gas blowback pistol modified to Torchwood’s specifications.
STUN GUN – works by shocking targets that have contact with the muzzle in a similar manner to a Taser. It had two settings; one for killing and one for stunning.
________________________________________________________
“You know I don’t have any handgun experience, don’t you?” Gwen asked.
“Yes, but don’t worry, Captain Jack is taking personal responsibilities for your training on the firing range,” Ianto replied a little sadly.
Tosh snorted knowing that it was likely that Jack might very well invoke the sexual harassment policy at the training.
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no subject
Date: 2011-03-06 07:59 am (UTC)"And a constipated weevil is an angry weevil"
no subject
Date: 2011-03-06 01:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-06 10:47 am (UTC)This is and Awesome story.
no subject
Date: 2011-03-06 01:27 pm (UTC)Rulebreaker.
Date: 2011-03-06 11:06 am (UTC)Does Myfanwy get a special biscuit to clean her beak?
"Don't touch the coffeemaker" ... Jack doesn't obey very well, does he? ;]b
Re: Rulebreaker.
Date: 2011-03-06 01:31 pm (UTC)Well Jack doesn't have to follow any of the rules - which is why he is always in trouble with Ianto .
no subject
Date: 2011-03-06 12:54 pm (UTC)And there goes my tea again, up the nose, over the keyboard...I should know better by now ;-(
no subject
Date: 2011-03-06 01:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-06 09:14 pm (UTC)*dies laughing* OMG, love this line.
no subject
Date: 2011-03-06 10:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-07 12:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-07 01:10 am (UTC)