aviv_b_artwork | The Danger of Ham & Pineapple Pizza (Part 1.1 of 2) (Reply)

The Dangers of Ham & Pineapple Pizza (Part 1.1 of 2).

Part 1.1 Where the 456 are defeated.

Ianto was amazed how Gwen’s announcement had spurred Jack to action. In the matter of a week, after numerous discussions with Martha, interviews by both Jack and Ianto, they finally offered Dr. Rupesh Patanjali the position as Torchwood medic. He was almost as qualified as the UNIT medic that Jack had rejected, having been in charge of medical services to British troops in Afghanistan for 3 years before heading up an Emergency Medical Department at a suburban London hospital for the last year and a half. And he did have the advantage of very nice teeth.

Then earth was threatened by the invasion of the 456. Dr. Patanjali killed Jack (which just goes to show that good orthodontia does not equate with good moral values), the 456 demanded 10% of the Earth’s children and chaos ensued.

Jack was familiar with the 456. In 1965 he had been involved in making a deal with them to save the planet from a deadly virus. Now he was being blackmailed for his part in the agreement.

“Jack, how could you have turned over twelve children to them,” Ianto asked.

“Ianto, the 456 only thought they were children. They were really beady-eyed sewer rats that we transplanted into human skin membranes that we had grown in vats. Sometimes that 51st century technology comes in mighty helpful.”

Gwen was horrified. “Jack, that’s terrible, you are going to be in such big trouble with PeTA.”

“Yeah, I know”, Jack sighed, contemplating whether dealing with Ingrid Newkirk would be worse than dealing with the 456. “And as for the 456 and their demand for 10% of the world’s children - I don’t think so. I’ve had forty years to come up with a plan; I figured they’d be back and I certainly wasn’t going to be caught with my pants down.”

Ianto raised his eyebrows, “I thought you rather liked being caught with your pants down.”

“Hold that thought, Ianto. We tried to reason with them, and then they had the nerve to try to kill you with a 40 year old virus. Hello, did they not think we’d remember about the virus threat?”

Now this surprised Ianto. “But how did you protect everyone?” You couldn’t have inoculated everyone against the virus.”

Jack smiled. “Actually we did. In the last 40 years smallpox has been effectively eradicated from the planet. After 1965, I worked with the leadership of the World Health Organization and convinced them to include an antigen for the 456 virus in the smallpox vaccine. Up until recently, almost everyone on earth had immunity to the virus. When the smallpox vaccine was discontinued, the critical component was added to the DTP vaccine which most kids get by the time they are a year old.”

Ianto pondered this for a moment. “But Jack, some people don’t vaccinate their children. What about them?”

“Yeah, that kind of had us worried, but fortunately, I know the CEO of the company that manufacturers Cheesy Poofs and convinced him to add the antigen to his organic product line. You just know those anti-vaccine folks are still feeding their kids junk food, only they insist on it being organic.”

“Oh Jack,” sighed Ianto, “You’re a genius. Not to mention my favorite Cheesy Poof.”

Gwen smiled at Jack and Ianto. They could be so adorable at times. “Jack, I hate to interrupt this little love-fest, but we still haven’t eliminated the threat of the 456.”

“Gwen, my darling little melon-tummied princess. We already did. All we had to do was to reverse the frequency they transmit to earth on and blow them to smithereens. UNIT took care of that hours ago. Of course, they’ll take all the credit, the cheeky bastards, but really, who cares; we know that it was us three who saved the world.”

“Oh give me a break,” Ianto growled. “That’s all that needed to be done? This week has felt like a really lame Sci-Fi television show.” Reverse the polarity - that’s about as creative as Captain’s Kirk’s solution to the Kobayashi Maru problem.”

“Ianto, the 456 were big bad aliens, just not very clever big bad aliens. Now if they had brought some Tribbles with them, that would have required some tricky maneuvers.”

Jack turned his attention to Gwen. “Hey, don’t think we forgot about your big party tomorrow. Martha’s coming and so is PC Andy. Of course we’ll have to Retcon him afterwards, but hey, he won’t mind. Ianto’s been planning this since the day you announced your resignation.”

Ianto felt his heart drop. Best to just confess and get it over with. “Gwen, with the alien invasion, and almost getting killed, and Jack getting killed several times, and saving the children of earth, I just didn’t get anything ready for your party. I forgot to call the caterer, and the matching cups and napkins haven’t arrived. I’m so embarrassed. I hope you won’t be disappointed.”

Gwen did her best not to look upset. She knew if it were a party for Jack, this wouldn’t be happening, but decided she could be big about it. “Oh sweetheart, it’s OK, really it is. Just order some pizzas and it will be fine. ”

Jack sensed a little tension between the two and put on his best 1,000 watt Harkness smile. “Oh but Gwen, we do have some surprises for you. You are just going to love them.” Ianto shot him a glance. What was Jack talking about? They had nothing planned for Gwen. Before Gwen or Ianto could actually respond, Jack added, “It’s been a long week kids, so Gwen go home, rest up and we’ll see you and Rhys here at 7 PM tomorrow.

After Gwen had left the Hub, Ianto confronted Jack about the promised surprises. “Jack did you actually get something for the baby, or is this another ‘Harkness get generous, Jones gets more work’ moment.”

“Uh, yeah, I guess I stuck my foot in it again. Sorry Ianto, it’s her last day tomorrow, and you know how I hate to disappoint anyone.”

“Fine, its fine Jack. While I’m getting this place cleaned up and ready tomorrow, you’re heading over to the Spoiled Sprog Shop and buying something nice for the baby. And you’re not charging it to Torchwood, its coming out of your pocket.”

Oh Ianto,” Jack smirked, “I just love it when you’re bossy.”

Oh Jack,” Ianto smirked, “you are so not getting any tonight.”

Next: Part 2.0 - The Big Party

I’m so sorry. There’s one more part to go and I promise that in this one pizza will be eaten, Jack will almost lose his temper (as well as another very important body part), and beans will become erotic playthings. Oh, yeah, and Timelord!anto will make an appearance. Honest.

Final Part here:

http://aviv-b.livejournal.com/1541.html