Ptorchwood Ptales & Ptimely Pthoughts

Jack and Ianto were up early to prepare for Gwen’s big party. Actually, they never went to sleep as they’d spent the night up having incredibly wild sex. And Ianto was unusually uninhibited. 

“Who would have thought that the 456 threat would be such a turn-on for Ianto,” thought Jack as he looked in the bathroom mirror. “I hope my walk won’t give it away.   And damn, I’m going to have to wear a closed neck shirt, or I’m never going to hear the end of it. This really sucks; well no actually it was Ianto that really…” Jack smiled as he mentally replayed the amazing blow job Ianto had given him last night.

“Jack, stop admiring yourself and get a move on; there’s way too much to do.” 

Jack sighed, as he headed to the invisible lift. “OK, OK, I’m going. I’ll swing by the grocery store with the list you gave me and then hit the Spoiled Sprog Shop.”

“And don’t forget to get the presents gift wrapped – the last time you wrapped gifts we all thought they were from a mental institution escapee.”

Jack contemplated that while he loved a lot of things about Ianto, his annoyingly domestic mode was not one of those things. But this was for Gwen, and Ianto’s insecurities about Gwen always did seem to increase Ianto’s OCD tendencies.

By 4 o’clock the Hub was in presentable order and Jack had returned with the food and gifts. Ianto wondered what could be in the boxes, especially the giant one that he’d helped Jack unload from the SUV.

“Hey, you told me to have them gift-wrapped and to pay for them myself,” Jack smirked, “so you’ll just have to wait to see.”

Ianto just glared at Jack and began to review his mental to-do list for the umpteenth time. “Let’s see,” Ianto mumbled to himself, “we’ve got hors d'oeuvers to start, I’ve set up the pizza delivery for 8 PM, Jack got the party decorations, paper goods and the cake, Martha’s bringing the drinks….do we have something nonalcoholic for Gwen...”

Jack saw that Ianto was working himself into a tizzy. “Enough already, its fine, everything’s fine. Why don’t you go downstairs and take a nap, I’ll decorate the meeting room.” Ianto started to object, but Jack shushed him. “Ianto, its plastic table clothes & crepe paper; even the great hero of the universe can handle that.”

Ianto suddenly realized just how tired he was. “Yeah a nap would be good. Will you wake me at 6 so I can get ready?”  As he headed over to Jack’s office, he frowned, “And don’t even think about touching that cake.”

Jack pouted,   “Don’t you trust me?”    Ianto thought, “With the universe, yes, with a double layer chocolate truffle cake, no way.”

Martha slapped at Jack and went over to give Ianto a hug. “Don’t pay any attention to him; somehow my Hawaiian honeymoon just morphed into a soft core porno film thanks to Jack.” She kissed Ianto on the cheek. Looking at several bottles that Jack was carrying for her she asked, “Ianto, can you put this wine away for later? The Doctor sent it with a special message which I will read later when everyone’s here. And before you get huffy, I’m asking you because I never trust Jack where something from the Doctor is concerned.”   "Neither do I,” Ianto thought.

They were interrupted by another call, this time on Ianto’s cell. “Its Andy, I’ll go up and get him.”

Jack looked a little put out. “Oh so now you’re giving out your cell phone number to strange men.”

“I gave you my cell phone number and they don’t come much stranger,” Ianto drily replied.

Martha burst out laughing again. ”Mr. Jones, is that strange as in "innovative and avant-garde or as in alien"? 

“With Jack you can just never tell,” Ianto laughed.

Jack was not liking this at all. “Hey, watch it!  Just go get Andy, will you.”

Ianto couldn’t resist. “Ohhh he’s so likes to think he’s the boss, I’ll just have to correct him on that later.” He and Martha doubled over laughing so hard that they could barely breathe. Jack shot Ianto a glance, and Ianto saw that Jack was really on edge.

“OK, OK, off I go to get the delectable PC Andy.”

Andy came down from the tourist office with some nicely wrapped packages and a bottle of wine. Ianto had just introduced him to Martha, when they heard the invisible lift heading down into the Hub.

Rhy’s voice boomed out, “I still get such a kick out of this lift, its brilliant.” Gwen smiled. “Just like you, my beautiful mommy-to be.”  Gwen smiled her best Stepford Wife smile for everyone. This mommy-to-be crap was getting old really fast. Three days ago she was saving the universe, now she was just going to be The Mommy. “I made this decision and I’m happy with it”, she thought, “I just didn’t realize that everyone would forget about my extreme awesomeness so quickly.”

The party started as most parties do. A little nibbling, some drinks, some toasts to the baby and the proud parents. Martha went and brought out the wine bottles from The Doctor.

“The Doctor sends his congratulations to all of you for saving the world…again.   He was quite impressed that you did it without his assistance. He particularly wanted me to mention that if he could have anyone reincarnated as a Time Lord, based on his courage as well as impeccable manners and taste in suits he would choose Ianto.”

Gwen snorted,”Oh, Timelord!Ianto, that would be smashing!! “

‘Hey, you be nice, or you won’t be getting a ride in my Tardis, which will have a startling resemblance to a 1965 Corvette. Red, of course.”

“And,” Martha continued, “He congratulates Gwen on her pregnancy. The Doctor told me that these bottles have special properties to enhance friendships, banish hangovers, and,” she said smiling at Gwen, “are absolutely safe for mommies-to-be to consume.”

“Well get them open then, already,” laughed Gwen, “after this week, I know I could use a few drinks.”

By the time the ham & pineapple pizzas were delivered, everyone was feeling a delightful buzz. By the time the chocolate truffle was eaten everyone was feeling very, very relaxed.

Gwen & Rhys opened the baby gifts making the appropriate oohs and ahhs at the cute little baby clothes from Martha, the simply adorable toys from Andy, and the educational mommy-to-be books from Ianto.

“And there’s one final gift from me”. Jack was grinning like a fool. He and Ianto carried the huge box over and put it in front of Gwen and Rhy’s. “Maybe a playpen,” thought Gwen.  Rhy’s thought that maybe it was a stroller. 

“Come on, come on, open it already.” Ianto sighed; Jack could be sooo childish at times. With a little trepidation, they opened the box and looked in. Gwen gave out a shriek and started laughing. Rhy’s joined in laughing uncontrollably. Jack pouted. “No it’s fantastic, really fantastic Jack, it truly has the Harkness touch to it.” Jack preened a little.

“What is it?” Martha demanded. Gwen and Rhy’s reached in and pulled out a giant three foot tall stuffed weevil plushy toy.   Ianto smirked, “Oh look, it’s a sister for the baby.”

Gwen took up the joke. “Well it definitely looks like Rhy’s side of the family.” 

“Oi, Gwen, don’t be talking about my family that way…though it does look a bit like Mother”. Rhy’s laughed so hard that he snorted some of the wine out his nose.

Jack interrupted the laughter. “So, Ianto and I have some announcements we’d like to make.”

Andy quipped, “Don’t tell me. You’re getting married, or a civil partnership or whatever.” Ianto laughed, “No, we’re not really the domestic types, are we Jack?”   Jack snarked, “but Ianto, I was so looking forward to picking out towels and silverware patterns.” 

“Well, I for one am relieved,” said Andy. “That means I still have a chance with Ianto.”

They all laughed until they realized that Andy was serious. “I know you are a couple right now, but when Ianto almost got killed I realized that I needed to let him know that if you don’t treat him right Jack, I will.” The silence was, well, silent.

Rhy’s jumped in, trying to diffuse the situation. “Well, I just want to say, if I were so inclined, but I’m not, I would go for Ianto too. No really, he’s good looking, smart, funny…. And hey, did you see the papers today. Page 2, a picture of Ianto with a BIG MOTHERFUCKING GUN!  And the caption was priceless, “Torchwood hero shows off his big gun to the troops at UNIT.”   

Jack was silently fuming and Ianto knew if he didn’t stop this conversation, Jack was going to get sulky. “Well the only reason they didn’t ask Jack is that his gun is so big they would have had to use a two page spread.”

Martha, Gwen, Andy and Rhys chorused, “Way too much information.”

“Ok, Jack,” Martha said, ‘we’re just teasing you.”

Jack looked a bit relieved. “I’m glad to hear that, because if Ianto had his big gun out for UNIT then he might not have enough fire power left to shoot me off.”

“Way too much information,” the other chorused again.

“So, what are these big announcements you and Ianto have for us,” asked Martha.

“Well, with Gwen leaving, Ianto and I realized that we need more staff. So I’d like to officially announce that PC Andy will be starting as our new Police Liaison on Monday.  However, I’d also like to announce that if he puts one hand on Ianto, I will personally take my big gun and shoot his balls off! (And if Ianto puts on hand on Andy, Jack mused, “then I will shoot my own balls off!)”

Ianto couldn’t resist. “Excuse me, but wouldn’t that constitute sexual harassment.”

The start of an evil smile appeared on Andy’s face. “Really, its OK, you can both harass me if you want, I’m big enough to take it.”

 “Way too much information!,” everyone else shouted in unison.

“And that’s not all; Mickey will be joining us in about a month as a field agent. He’s really toughened up nicely in the alternative universe where he was hanging out. That leaves us short a doctor. Hmmm... does anyone know a sexy, gorgeous doctor that would be just right for Torchwood?”

Martha rolled her eyes at Jack. ”Game’s up, Tom’s being transferred to Cardiff, and seeing as I am a doctor, I know The Doctor, I can operate well with UNIT and I have great teeth, I guess that must be me!”

Ianto looked around at the faces in the room. Everyone looked so happy, and yet a small sadness hovered over the group.

“We also wanted to let you know that the government has made a very nice settlement with Torchwood over the issue of trying to have Gwen and me killed as well as killing Jack several times. We’re setting up scholarship programs in honor of Tosh and Owen. They’ll be for students that would like to pursue careers in Medicine, Engineering or Computer Science but can’t afford to pay for the schooling.”

Andy just beamed at that. He had been one of those bright kids who hadn’t been able to continue with his education. “That’s marvelous, bloody marvelous.”

A little teary-eyed, Jack asked everyone to raise their glasses one more time in remembrance of absent friends and new beginnings.

 --

Later after everyone else had gone home, Ianto and Jack were in bed talking about the party. They both agreed that it had turned out nicely. Side by side, the sheet pulled up to their waists, they enjoyed the relaxed quiet together.

Finally, Ianto turned to Jack and gave him a lecherous look. “There’s just one thing that’s bothering me.” Ianto took a bag off the nightstand. “I can’t imagine who would have bought these jelly beans only to hide them away in his desk. Fortunately, I think we can put them to good use.” He tore the bag open with his teeth. “Pick one out Jack.”

Jack couldn’t imagine what Ianto had in mind, but seeing the look on Ianto’s face he knew he’d enjoy it. “Red,” he said putting the jelly bean in Ianto’s mouth.

Ianto rolled on top of Jack. “MMMM, cinnamon, that means I get to snog you senseless.” He leaned down and gave Jack a deep kiss. Jack opened his mouth and began to suck on Ianto’s tongue. When they finally broke from the kiss, Ianto felt like he was the one who had been snogged senseless.  

Ianto picked out the next jelly bean. “Orange.” Jack smiled, “Orange is for a little oral stimulation.”

“Well, Jack, that leave’s several interesting possibilities.”

Jack reached over and pulled another jelly bean out of the bag.   “Oh look, green.  I can tell you on very good authority that green combined with orange means I go down on you.”

“But you cheat, you always cheat, you might just be making that up.”

“No, I can assure you that the intergalactic jelly bean sex manual clearly specifies that I have to give you a toe-curling blow job.”

“Well I suggest you get shut up and get busy; there are still a lot of jelly beans in that bag. And I intend to experience every flavor tonight.”

“Yes, Sir, what ever you say Sir,” Jack laughed as he began to slide down under the covers.

The Dangers of Ham & Pineapple Pizza (Part 1.1 of 2).

Part 1.1  Where the 456 are defeated. 

Ianto was amazed how Gwen’s announcement had spurred Jack to action. In the matter of a week, after numerous discussions with Martha, interviews by both Jack and Ianto, they finally offered Dr. Rupesh Patanjali the position as Torchwood medic. He was almost as qualified as the UNIT medic that Jack had rejected, having been in charge of medical services to British troops in Afghanistan for 3 years before heading up an Emergency Medical Department at a suburban London hospital for the last year and a half. And he did have the advantage of very nice teeth.

Then earth was threatened by the invasion of the 456. Dr. Patanjali killed Jack (which just goes to show that good orthodontia does not equate with good moral values), the 456 demanded 10% of the Earth’s children and chaos ensued.

Jack was familiar with the 456. In 1965 he had been involved in making a deal with them to save the planet from a deadly virus. Now he was being blackmailed for his part in the agreement.

“Jack, how could you have turned over twelve children to them,” Ianto asked. 

“Ianto, the 456 only thought they were children. They were really beady-eyed sewer rats that we transplanted into human skin membranes that we had grown in vats. Sometimes that 51st century technology comes in mighty helpful.”

Gwen was horrified. “Jack, that’s terrible, you are going to be in such big trouble with PeTA.”

“Yeah, I know”, Jack sighed, contemplating whether dealing with Ingrid Newkirk would be worse than dealing with the 456. “And as for the 456 and their demand for 10% of the world’s children -  I don’t think so. I’ve had forty years to come up with a plan; I figured they’d be back and I certainly wasn’t going to be caught with my pants down.”

Ianto raised his eyebrows, “I thought you rather liked being caught with your pants down.”

“Hold that thought, Ianto. We tried to reason with them, and then they had the nerve to try to kill you with a 40 year old virus. Hello, did they not think we’d remember about the virus threat?” 

Now this surprised Ianto. “But how did you protect everyone?” You couldn’t have inoculated everyone against the virus.”

Jack smiled. “Actually we did. In the last 40 years smallpox has been effectively eradicated from the planet. After 1965, I worked with the leadership of the World Health Organization and convinced them to include an antigen for the 456 virus in the smallpox vaccine. Up until recently, almost everyone on earth had immunity to the virus. When the smallpox vaccine was discontinued, the critical component was added to the DTP vaccine which most kids get by the time they are a year old.”

Ianto pondered this for a moment. “But Jack, some people don’t vaccinate their children. What about them?”

“Yeah, that kind of had us worried, but fortunately, I know the CEO of the company that manufacturers Cheesy Poofs and convinced him to add the antigen to his organic product line. You just know those anti-vaccine folks are still feeding their kids junk food, only they insist on it being organic.”  

“Oh Jack,” sighed Ianto, “You’re a genius. Not to mention my favorite Cheesy Poof.”

Gwen smiled at Jack and Ianto. They could be so adorable at times. “Jack, I hate to interrupt this little love-fest, but we still haven’t eliminated the threat of the 456.”

“Gwen, my darling little melon-tummied princess. We already did. All we had to do was to reverse the frequency they transmit to earth on and blow them to smithereens. UNIT took care of that hours ago.   Of course, they’ll take all the credit, the cheeky bastards, but really, who cares; we know that it was us three who saved the world.”

“Oh give me a break,” Ianto growled. “That’s all that needed to be done? This week has felt like a really lame Sci-Fi television show.”  Reverse the polarity - that’s about as creative as Captain’s Kirk’s solution to the Kobayashi Maru problem.” 

“Ianto, the 456 were big bad aliens, just not very clever big bad aliens. Now if they had brought some Tribbles with them, that would have required some tricky maneuvers.”

Jack turned his attention to Gwen. “Hey, don’t think we forgot about your big party tomorrow. Martha’s coming and so is PC Andy. Of course we’ll have to Retcon him afterwards, but hey, he won’t mind. Ianto’s been planning this since the day you announced your resignation.”

Ianto felt his heart drop. Best to just confess and get it over with. “Gwen, with the alien invasion, and almost getting killed, and Jack getting killed several times, and saving the children of earth, I just didn’t get anything ready for your party.  I forgot to call the caterer, and the matching cups and napkins haven’t arrived.  I’m so embarrassed. I hope you won’t be disappointed.” 

Gwen did her best not to look upset. She knew if it were a party for Jack, this wouldn’t be happening, but decided she could be big about it. “Oh sweetheart, it’s OK, really it is. Just order some pizzas and it will be fine. ”

Jack sensed a little tension between the two and put on his best 1,000 watt Harkness smile. “Oh but Gwen, we do have some surprises for you. You are just going to love them.” Ianto shot him a glance.  What was Jack talking about? They had nothing planned for Gwen.  Before Gwen or Ianto could actually respond, Jack added, “It’s been a long week kids, so Gwen go home, rest up and we’ll see you and Rhys here at 7 PM tomorrow.

After Gwen had left the Hub, Ianto confronted Jack about the promised surprises. “Jack did you actually get something for the baby, or is this another ‘Harkness get generous, Jones gets more work’ moment.”

“Uh, yeah, I guess I stuck my foot in it again. Sorry Ianto, it’s her last day tomorrow, and you know how I hate to disappoint anyone.”

“Fine, its fine Jack. While I’m getting this place cleaned up and ready tomorrow, you’re heading over to the Spoiled Sprog Shop and buying something nice for the baby. And you’re not charging it to Torchwood, its coming out of your pocket.”

Oh Ianto,” Jack smirked, “I just love it when you’re bossy.”

Oh Jack,” Ianto smirked, “you are so not getting any tonight.”

Next: Part 2.0 - The Big Party

I’m so sorry. There’s one more part to go and I promise that in this one pizza will be eaten, Jack will almost lose his temper (as well as another very important body part), and beans will become erotic playthings. Oh, yeah, and Timelord!anto will make an appearance. Honest.

Final Part here:

http://aviv-b.livejournal.com/1541.html

The Dangers of Ham & Pineapple Pizza (Part 1 of 2)

I started writing a fic for the Ninja Teaboy Challenge over here ,
http://community.livejournal.com/ninja_teaboy/42779.html#cutid1
but realized that I needed a little back story to start.

 After the deaths of Tosh & Owen, the remaining staff at Torchwood bravely soldiered on.  Jack knew he should hire more staff, but with the increased riff activity, he just never had the time.  Well, maybe he could have found the time, but he just didn’t want to admit that they were truly gone. With Jack’s future knowledge of aliens, he was brilliant at defeating anything that came through the rift, but when it came to administrative details, even he admitted that this wasn’t his strong suit.

Ianto tried several times to get him to look at recommendations that Martha had sent over for a replacement medic but he always found an excuse to reject them. They were too young, too old, no trauma experience, only trauma experience, they weren’t tall enough, they were taller than Jack, they had bad teeth. 

Ianto sighed in exasperation after Jack quickly rejected the latest batch of resumes.

“Bad teeth?  You’re rejecting a candidate who went to one of the top medical schools in the UK because he has bad teeth!  A candidate who has worked for UNIT as a general health medic for five years, and was head of their field trauma training program for six!”

But Jack wouldn’t be convinced. “I hate bad teeth.  Any doctor who doesn’t have nice teeth obviously isn’t taking proper care.  Did I ever tell you about the guy I met on Raxilon 4?  He had a killer body but when he smiled, his teeth were so bad, they just killed my libido and….”

Ianto thought his head would explode if he listened to Jack another moment, so without warning, he turned around stalked out of Jack’s office.  Ianto thought, “We can’t continue like this, almost a year’s gone by, and we haven’t replaced either Tosh or Owen. We’re courting disaster. ” 

In addition to his regular duties, Ianto was doing his best to cover some of Tosh’s responsibilities and then there was Gwen. Almost six months had passed since she announced her pregnancy.  Torchwood policy forbade employees with children from continuing to work for the organization. The three of them quickly agreed that it was time for this antiquated policy to be modified in keeping with 21^st century realities.

But now as she was approaching her last trimester (which would sensibly restrict her to desk duty), how were they going to cope during that and her maternity leave?  They weren’t going to be able to even field a team that could handle much more than a weevil or two.

When the disaster finally happened, it wasn’t in the form of a deadly alien attack or a pack of weevils gone berserk.  On an ordinary Tuesday, Gwen interrupted Jack and Ianto in Jack’s office where they were trying to sort out some expense reports.  “Guys, I have something important to tell you.”

Ianto groaned to himself, “Oh no, now we’re going to have to hear her terrible dilemma over whether to use cloth or paper nappies.”

Jack smiled at Gwen.  He thought about how people always talked about pregnant women glowing, but Gwen was practically sparkling.  “How’s my little mommy-to-be feeling today.” 

Gwen grimaced slightly.  “That’s what I’m here to talk to you about.  I saw my doctor this morning and he doesn’t want me to work at all during the last trimester.” 

Ianto paled a bit and started worrying his lower lip. Jack stared at her, not really comprehending what this announcement meant.  “Hey, we can set up a little lounge area for last bit, and then after your maternity leave we’ll be back to normal.” 

Gwen realized that she was going to have to be much more direct with Jack.  For a man who’d been on earth for what, a hundred or more years, he could be so clueless.

“Jack, that’s not going to work.  The Doctor has ordered me on complete bed rest. If I don’t, I could lose the baby.”

Jack continued to stare at her. “And there’s something else.  I won’t be coming back to Torchwood after the baby’s born.’  Jack jumped out of his desk chair and started to speak, but Gwen interrupted him. “No Jack, my decisions final, I love Torchwood but I’ve decided that my baby has to come first.  You don’t know this but I miscarried about a year ago and the Doctor says that after this baby I’m unlikely to have any more children.”    

Ianto watched Jack as he struggled with what to say.  Ianto wasn’t sure if Jack was going yell or cry or maybe pop a blood vessel in his brain. 

Ianto took a big breath. “Gwen, you have to do what you think is right. I admire your decision – I know how much you love your job, and how fulfilling you find it, but you only get to be with your baby once. I’m going to miss you.  Both of us are going to miss you.”

Gwen was a little surprised by Ianto’s reaction.  She looked down at her belly wondering if maybe he was glad to be getting rid of her.  But when she heard Ianto shift his weight a little, she looked up just in time to see him wipe a tear from his face.  Jack was still silent. 

“I’m so glad you’re OK with it, I really hate to leave you both so short-handed…”

Finally, realizing what was expected of him Jack interrupted, “No, no, its fine….I was just startled that’s all.  It’s your baby’s future, really all of earth’s children that we’re fighting for.

Brightening a bit Gwen added, “And that’s not to say that I won’t want to come back in a few years…if you’ll have me.”

“Of course we will,” both men blurted out together.  Ianto quipped, “Oh you’ll be back.  After dueling with Rhy’s mother on how to raise your child for a few years, you’ll regret giving up the posh job you had here.” 

“Rhy’s mother or weevils,” snarked Gwen, ‘yeah that's a toss-up for sure,” which set them all off laughing.

Ianto suggested that they have a little farewell celebration for Gwen; it would be just him and Jack, Rhys of course, perhaps Martha could stop by. Maybe he could convince Jack to include PC Andy.  He felt a little wistful when he thought about who wasn’t going to be there.  And then it hit him. 

Jack noticed the sadness on Ianto’s face. “What wrong, Ianto?

Ianto almost couldn’t get the words out. “Gwen’s last day will mark the 1 year anniversary of losing Toshiko and Owen.” 

“And Gray,” thought Jack.

Fortunately, Gwen could see where this was going.  “Well, we will honor the memories of our dear friends and colleagues, and celebrate the newest member of the Torchwood team all at the same time.  That will be perfect.”

Part II coming shortly where you will actually get to see how this ties in to CoE per the Teaboy Challenge.

A party where ham and pineapple pizzas will be featured. 

As well as Ianto with a BIG MF GUN.

And who knows, there might even be:

1)      Ianto accidentally shooting Jack's cock off with said gun and

2)      Bean-related pornography, that is, sex, but with the involvement of beans

 cause I really, really want those bonus points.