Recovery: Chapter 8 - Guilt & Regret

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RATING: PG-13 for this Chapter for some swearing
WORDS: ~ 1860
CHARACTERS: Ianto, Owen, Martha
SPOILERS: None, Not canon. This Chapter set during Series 1. 
SUMMARY:  Ianto gets more bad news.


Guilt is regret for what we've done.  Regret is guilt for what we didn't do. (unattributed)

Owen, Ianto and Martha sat in the hospital cafeteria. Ianto looked at Martha, his eyes pleading.

 

“I know you want some pain medication, but I’d like you to eat something first so you don’t end up sick.” 

 

Ianto closed his eyes for a moment, trying to get control over the pain he felt pulsing through his right hand. ‘OK, just suck it up, eat this swill and then get the drugs,’ he reasoned. He took a bite of his sandwich, making a face. He couldn’t believe that Owen had got him tuna; he hated, hated tuna.

 

Owen laughed, “Oi, I see that look on your face; I can’t believe that you’re not enjoying this fancy lunch I bought you.”

 

Ianto made a writing motion toward Martha. “Oh sorry, I forgot I had your stuff.” She handed a pad of paper and pen to Ianto.

 

I HATE TUNA !

Ianto showed what he wrote to Owen.

 

“You want mine then, its ham.” Ianto nodded. Owen traded sandwiches with Ianto. 

 

Martha sighed, “Ianto, I’m sorry about the session, I told her you couldn’t speak.  I don’t know why she felt she had to see for herself.”

 

“Speaking of which, no pun intended,” interrupted Owen, “can you explain why Ianto can’t talk?”

 

Martha explained that they had done some MRI’s specifically on the area of the brain next to the skull fracture but couldn’t detect any damage. The more general brain scans hadn’t detected anything abnormal either. 

 

“Ianto, is it OK, if I speak for you? I know all the writing is hard.” Ianto didn’t look happy, but nodded yes. “Ianto says he can think how to speak, but he can’t get the words to form.  And yes, we already checked his larynx and vocal chords, they’re all undamaged. Our best guess is that some neural pathway in the brain has been damaged but we just can’t find it. It’s probably a very small bit of damage; we just have to hope that over time it regenerates.”

 

Ianto began to write something on his paper and showed it to Owen:

Can YOU buy a cell phone for me ? Lost mine. I HAVE money.

 

Owen didn’t understand why Ianto wanted a cell phone, he couldn’t speak after all. “Well sure, but…”

 

Can I borrow yours to show you ?

 

Owen took his Blackberry out of his pocket. Ianto put it on the table, hit a few keys and began to type rapidly with his good hand. When he finished, he handed it over to Owen. Owen read the text, smiled and handed it to Martha.

 

‘I can text message. A lot faster than I can write with my left hand. Oh and as a bonus, you can actually read it! So people won’t think I’m retarded in addition to being a gimp. I really want to be able to communicate directly with people. I want to speak for myself.’

 

Martha smiled, “That makes sense, but, come on Ianto, no one thinks you are stupid.”

 

Ianto grabbed the cell phone away from her.

 

‘Yeah, so remember when we came down here the other day and that doctor came over to talk to you. And then he looked at me and v..e..r..y s…l..o..w…l…y asked how I was feeling? Like I was an idiot!’

 

“You’re right, Ianto, I’m sorry….I was just trying to help.”

 

‘I know, but it doesn’t. I’m going to have to learn to do things for myself especially if my speech doesn’t return and I can’t use my right hand.’

 

“That brings me to some other things I need to discuss with you and Martha, so Ianto hang onto the cell phone in case you have anything you want to say.”

 

Owen explained to Ianto that his time in the hospital was coming to an end.

In 3 to 4 weeks, he would be moving over to a UNIT medical facility for his upcoming hand surgeries. Even Martha seemed surprised by this.

 

“I spoke to Brigadier Hamilton and he agrees that it would best.” Lowering his voice Owen explained that they had some alien technology at Torchwood Three that might be able to accelerate the healing of his hand between surgeries but it would be impossible to use at the hospital without arousing suspicions. And UNIT had excellent rehabilitation facilities, far superior to the hospital’s. Ianto typed his agreement with the plan.

 

“And of course the lovely Dr. Jones will be there to oversee your progress. I have a couple of housekeeping things to discuss with you but let’s go back to your room first.” 

 

They returned to the room, and Martha gave Ianto his pain medication as he got back into bed. They discussed getting a cell phone for Ianto. Ianto liked Owen’s Blackberry so Owen agreed to get him one with unlimited texting of course. Owen explained that Torchwood Three would be picking up the cost. When Ianto began to object, Owen told him not to worry about it or any other costs while he was getting well. “That’s on Torchwoods tab, by order of Her Majesty.”

 

‘Think she’d buy me a Maserati?’

 

“No, but she’s covering your rent and utilities until we get this all sorted out.”

 

Owen was a little nervous about the next item on his list. “You know you are going back to Cardiff eventually, to finish your rehab right? Good, so I checked and the lease on your flat is due for renewal in a few months. I’d like to put your furniture and anything else you don’t need right now in storage in Cardiff. We can go over to your flat, maybe next week and figure out what needs to be packed up, OK? Maybe we can get some of your friends to help.”

 

Ianto looked a bit upset.

 

‘I guess that’s OK.  I’ve been meaning to ask, has anyone called about me? I haven’t heard from my best friend. His name is Charlie Mackenzie. Or my mum or my sister.’

 

Martha glanced over Ianto’s head at Owen. Ianto could see from Owen’s tight lipped expression that he was in for some bad news.

 

Martha cleared her throat and took over the conversation. “Ianto, we did speak to your sister. She said she wanted to come but she’s got two little ones at home. And did you know your mother was living with your sister’s family?”

 

Ianto shook his head. “Right, your mum had a stroke about six months ago, she can’t take care of herself so your sister has taken her in.”

 

Ianto hadn’t cried at all since he was rescued from Canary Wharf. He didn’t think he had the right to. After all, he had survived when so many hadn’t. So he blinked back his tears and typed,

 

‘And Charlie?’

 

Martha thought her heart would break. The Brigadier’s office had done a very thorough investigation on Ianto to make sure they had all the relevant information on him. That included his personal life. So she was keenly aware of what had happened with Lisa as well as Ianto’s life since then. She spent an evening with the Brigadier and his attaché reviewing CCTV tapes of Ianto and Charlie going to clubs, Ianto and Charlie leaving the clubs with a variety of young women all of them laughing and having a good time, and the occasional tape of Ianto and Charlie stumbling out of a club drunk and alone. They were so alike in appearance, tall, dark hair, fair skin, and blue eyes, that they could have easily been mistaken for brothers.  More tapes of Ianto and Charlie playing chess in a park, playing rugby with friends, they were practically inseparable.

 

“Ianto, I’m so sorry, Charlie was killed in the attack.” Ianto couldn’t understand what Martha was telling him, after all, Charlie didn’t work for Torchwood.

 

“You must not remember but Charlie had the day off from work and you were going to meet him for an early lunch. He came down to the wharf and was waiting in the lobby for you when the Cybermen attacked. He got out of the building but didn’t leave the area. He was standing in the plaza just outside the building when one of the walls gave way. He was killed instantly. I’m sorry Ianto, really I am.”

 

‘He was waiting for me, wasn’t he?’

 

Martha sighed. “It would look that way. But it’s not your fault, Ianto, you can’t blame yourself for this.”

 

Ianto typed angrily on the cell phone practically throwing it at Martha.

 

“Hey,” Owen yelled at him, “you’re not a baby, stop throwing things.” Ianto burst into tears.

 

Martha handed the cell phone to Owen and moved to sit on the bed next to Ianto. She put her arms around him and held him while he cried. 

 

‘Right, I’m not to blame for anything,’ Ianto had typed. ‘My best friend died because of me, I took some pills so I couldn’t help him; I hadn’t called mum in almost a year so I didn’t even know she had a stroke, and I left Rhiannon and Cardiff and never looked back.’

 

If he could have make any sounds Ianto probably would have been sobbing or screaming, but as it was tears just ran down his face, the only sound being an occasional gasp for breath. Eventually, Ianto shuddered, took in a couple deep breaths and calmed a bit. Owen reached over and turned Ianto’s face toward him. He could see that Ianto’s pupils were dilated a bit; the pain medication was kicking in.

 

“Ianto, I want you to listen to me very carefully. You did not kill Charlie. We know about the pills. They showed up in your pre-surgical toxicology screening. Now maybe I’m wrong, but I’m betting you took those not to kill yourself but to keep yourself from panicking. You were trapped in the archives and there was nothing you could do…even if you hadn’t taken them. As for your family, Ok, you should have called your mum, but you’re not the first kid to leave home for a better life and forget about those he left behind. When you’re on your feet again, we’ll go for a few beers and I’ll tell you about a doctor I know who did the very same thing. And then will go sort things out with your mum and sister, OK?”

 

Ianto nodded. He felt so helpless. He leaned back on a pillow stared off into space. ‘When is this ever going to end? All this crap, the surgeries and rehab, the pain throbbing always throbbing in my hand. Am I ever going to be able to speak or work or even have a shag again?  Or dress myself, or drive a car…. All I want is normal life, why does shit keep happening to me?’ Finally, he felt the pain medicine begin to kick in. He sighed and let his eyes drift closed.

 

Martha and Owen stayed another half hour with Ianto making sure he was settled and asleep. They let the nursing staff know that Ianto had been told about some friends he had lost at Canary Wharf and that he might have a rough night.

Chapter 9 is here: http://aviv-b.livejournal.com/4080.html